DRUNK ON STAGE, WITHOUT TRYING

After all these years in the biz, after all the crazy shit I've seen and done on stage, this is a first. In my 'big' scene, James' character makes a point of saying to my character that he's going to make sure I have at least 3 brandies before we discuss the price of my car. Well....tonight, there was an unusually long pause as he gazed into the liquor cabinet. I wondered if he was planning some little prank. I waited.

Now, what you need to know is that, purely by chance, some of the liquor bottles in the cabinet are ACTUAL booze...the real thing. This is highly unusual (and, in fact, illegal but don't get me started on the fucking government and their Victorian attitudes about liquor control) and real booze is NEVER consumed on stage. In this case, however, we needed to dress the set in a hurry for a photo shoot and the bottles just ended up staying on the set. Usually, the 'brandy' that we drink is actually iced tea. Tonight, however, the bottle that should have the iced tea in it wasn't there, it accidentally got left in the sink after being washed from the matinee.

So James, knowing that he had to pour something, gave me a shot of Glenfiddich. This would have been fine except for the fact that during the course of the scene, I have to pound two more of them. On a night at the bar, 3 scotches would be nothing, but when you are trying to keep all your senses sharp and your British accent crisp, 3 scotches is the last thing you want. Not to mention the fact that in a few minutes, you have to perform a delicately choreographed and potentially dangerous strangulation scene. As I was running through all the possibilities in my head, I remembered that fateful night that we got snowed in in Hamilton during "Beauty & The Beast" and that horrible realization as I stepped on stage at 11:00 a.m the next morning that I was STILL hammered. This couldn't even come close to that, but it loomed in the back of my mind none-the-less.

I think James was worse off than I was, frankly. He was so worried about me that he kept dropping lines. I, on the other hand, was quite relaxed and had a marvelous time. I think, perhaps, a nice nap now.

THE AMATEURS, BLESS THEM

There was a time when 'amateur' was a respectable word. If someone called you an amateur, it was actually considered a compliment, the implication being that you must be very good at it, since you devote a great deal of your time to it without being paid. Sadly, that same word now has pejorative connotations in spite of the fact that I have seen some amateur community theatre that has knocked my sox off! And really, if it weren't for amateur Gilbert & Sullivan societies around the globe, the operattas probably would have sunk into obscurity by now because who else does them?

So, here I am rehearsing this production of "The Mikado", while still performing "Dial M...". (Yes, my days are jam packed and wildly varied...and I'm really looking forward to March , my next day off). All the leads in Mikado are professionals, hired under the Equity independent Opera contract, and all the chorus are amateurs, members of the G & S Society producing the thing. The director, choreographer and music director are also pro.
Here's the rub....2 weeks just isn't enough time to put together a show of this size. Especially when you have a chorus of 18 who don't do this for a living. The poor things, bless them, sound amazing, but getting some of them to sing while executing a step-ball-change or even a step-touch is a bit like building a sky scraper.....one floor at a time....and it takes forever. Mind you, some of the pros are not necessarily fairing any better due to the massive amount of material being crammed into their brains in such a short time period. And it's not like the dialogue is easy to remember when one has to say things like: "Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative." Or how about, "This is no time for airy persiflage!"

BUTTS, BLACKOUTS, BAD THEATRE & BUTTLE

I've started rehearsal for "The Mikado" now. Of course, because I'm still doing "Dial M..." , and "Mikado" is a semi-pro production rehearsing from 2-5 & 6:30-9:30, I can only be at rehearsal on Monday, Tuesday, Saturday morning & Sunday morning. Interesting, since I'm also the assistant director on "Mikado". None the less, I get the rehearsal reports from Connor (I'm living with he and his family.....very old photo in the link....he's 17 now, a foot taller and an octave lower). Connor tells me that at last night's rehearsal, they were working on the opening number, in which all the men have fans. At one point, they are to stick the fans in their sashes, but since they're not in costume yet, Connor just stuck his in his back pocket. Well, bamboo IS one of the strongest materials on the planet, and a rather large sliver made it's was through his jeans and his boxers, directly into his ass! He had to excuse himself to the washroom and managed to get it out without calling anyone in to help.

In our matinee yesterday, we took an impromptu intermission due to a freak power surge that shut the show down. The weird thing was that it happened just as we were starting the murder scene as I stick my key in the door and there is a huge thunder clap. It was almost as though it were a real thunder clap 'cause that's when the power went out. The show was up and running again in 10 minutes and we carried on from that spot.

Michael' s show is opening in Barrie tonight, then he'll be coming here to see "Dial M..." with his parents tomorrow. We're all hoping that this crazy, freaky weather doesn't get any worse. At the moment, the driveway where I'm living is like one long curling rink.

And "YAY" for Jeffrey Buttle winning us another medal!

RING-RING, RING-RING, RING-RING...

As if it's not bad enough that the Wednesday afternoon matinee is little more than a warm-up show for the week. Not that it's intended that way, it's simply flexing those muscles again after 2 days off, remembering all the little details and nuances....and trying to ignore the snoring of the little old ladies in the front row. (Who else goes to theatre on a Wednesday afternoon?)

Today, however, we treated the "Dial M..." audience to the CLASSIC stage blunder. The kind one actually expects to see in high school and community theatre productions. It was the murder scene, hardly a pivotal scene in the show, no? I knew something was off then I put my key in the lock and there was no thunder clap until much later than usual. Then, suddenly, there was music much earlier than usual. Undaunted, I closed the door, made my way to the curtains, opened them, began tying my knots in the strangling scarf, all the while listening to the music that is SUPPOSED to be playing AS I'm killing her. I finish the knots and wait for the phone to ring (my cue to hide behind the curtains). I wait. I wait. Wrong music still playing. I do some intense-staring-at-the-phone-acting. I wait. I do some worried-glancing-at-the-bedroom-door-acting. Finally I figure, "Fuck it. Not my problem" and hide behind the curtains. At last, the phone rings, Deb's cue to come out of the bedroom. The phone speaks with that insistent British "ring-ring...ring-ring...ring-ring...". Both Deb and I are madly thinking of way to make the murder really exciting now because our murder music has long since finished. Finally she nears the phone. Ring-ring...ring-ring..."Hello?"...ring-ring ! But did it stop then? No. It rang not ONCE after she'd picked it up, but TWICE. At this point, I just decided to get the bloody thing over with. No point in waiting for my music cue anyway since it passed a good 5 minutes ago.

So, we struggled, and gurgled, and grunted and tried to add in the extra drama that the music would normally supply. I suppose we did alright. And the audience wouldn't have missed the music cue since they won't know it should have been there. They might, however, begin to wonder, "When do British phones stop ringing?".

SHUT UP! CAN'T YOU SHUT UP!

Apparently, yesterday's matinee was sold exclusively to those suffering from TB & Whooping Cough. I mean MY GOD! I was always taught that it is simple politeness and consideration to, not only cover your mouth, but to muffle the cough as best you can when you're in a public place. These people seemed to be trying to out do each other. One large woman had a fit that lasted a good 8 or 9 minutes, forcing James and I to speak louder than her coughs in order to be heard. But did she heave her corpulent bulk out of her chair to go to the lobby. NO. She made an entire theatre full of people listen to her. AND SHE WAS SITTING ON THE AISLE !!!

Then, the evening show was the talkers. Now normally, I don't mind a little excited chatter, especially in a show like "Dial M..." where they are trying to work it out. But then there's the people who insist on being chroniclers of the obvious. "Oh look, he's got the key now". "Hey, she's opening her purse". This is not a video and you are not on your couch in your underwear, though perhaps that would be the best place for you if you can't, out of consideration for the rest of the audience, shut your big fuckin' yap !!!

Today, just for a change of pace, we have the polite audience who aren't making a single, solitary sound. Except of course for Grandpa, who has no idea how loud he's speaking because he's deaf. "Dead? Whaddya mean he's dead? He's still breathin'. That blanket's goin up an down." Really? Well, sadly, they did away with the practice of actually killing an actor for every performance. Though some days I'd volunteer for the job.

FREE BEER !!

The opening performance of "Dial M..." started off as all openings do....with speeches. It's not bad enough that openings are usually populated with sponsors and their staff who are looking at the evening as a work thing, and then there's people who got free tickets so that's what the evening is worth to them....but then you start the whole thing off with a really ripping batch of announcements and a grippingly intense stack of thank you's for the sponsors. I know the sponsors are a great thing, and we're happy to have them, it just makes our job all that much harder to then get the audience awake and interested....especially if they're half-pissed, which they usually are.

However, I'm happy to say that, in spite of a fairly frosty response at the beginning of the show, we had them by the balls by the end. Several of us did develop a bad case of the 'clumsies' through the evening though. I, for the first time in my theatrical life, walked smack into a wall during a black out. There's nothing quite like that tell-tale 'smack', followed by a hushed, "Shit!", then followed by the quiet giggling of your fellow cast members. Deb not only tripped over the carpet, but also nearly took herself out by kicking over the garbage can on stage. James, in the blackout at the end of ACT 1, smashed himself into one of the occasional chairs, nearly finishing himself AND the chair. But, we survived and proudly display our bumps and bruises as we tell the story in exchange for a drink.

During the reception afterward, James 'introduced' me to two elderly ladies. Actually, what he was doing was dumping them on me because he couldn't get rid of them and they were driving him nuts. I actually found them quite entertaining. They were going on and on and on about how they couldn't believe that I could lie 'dead' on the stage for that long. "I'm a nurse ya know", said one of them. "And I was watching for the vein on the forehead that's a sure giveaway that someone is still alive ... and yours never pulsed ONCE!!" Of course I graciously accepted the compliment, telling them how it was my years of training and my constant devotion to the daily practice of yoga that allows me to be in control of my very veins.

Tall tales aside, the show is a hit and everyone went away quite satisfied and raving about how much they enjoyed it.

"DIAL M..." FIRST PREVIEW

No matter how confident anyone might feel, no matter how happy your director may be, no matter how secure you are....the fear that "THEY" won't like it always looms slightly out of sight, behind your shoulder. Also, when your first audience is at 2:00 pm on a Wednesday afternoon, the chances of doing the show for a batch of bussed-in-blue-hairs is very, very high. After all, who else goes to theatre on a Wednesday afternoon?

Happily, our audience had a sprinkling of younger folk, but regardless of their age, they were eating up every word of the play. "DIAL M..." isn't a show where you can sit back and let it wash over you. You need to listen and invest some patience in the early scenes in order to get the pay-off as everything spirals out of control in act 2. And invest they did. Sooooo gratifying to hear the 'oohs' and 'aahs' and excited whispers as bits of information come to light. And our director said they were beaming with excitement as the lights came up at the end of act 1. Now if I could just send someone into cardiac arrest with the intensity of my murder scene, my job will be complete.

WE HAVE WALLS

The crew must have worked like dogs all day Sunday because we arrived Monday morning to find our "Dial M..." set on stage. It was pretty much dressed with most of it's details, all props in place, on stage and off, and most of the lighting cues set and ready to go.

The lighting is pretty great. Very moody in certain scenes, but also lots of places where over-sized shadows and silhouettes lurk and creep. The whole thing is very film noir.

We spent the first half of the day just stepping through the play, scene by scene, adjusting lighting & sound cues, figuring out how to work with our new props and costumes. And, of course, we spent a great deal of time on the murder scene. Now that we have the real set, we have heavy brown velvet curtains (that I hide behind) that need to be dealt with. I am also now wearing leather gloves and have the correct scarf (for strangling) and the correct coat...so everything feels different. And, of course, we're now doing it in a dark lighting cue, so all the moves had to be adjusted to maximize shadowy creepiness while still allowing the audience to see what's going on.

In the evening, we did a run-thru with all technical elements in place and it went pretty well. I, however, was pretty grumpy all day, having pulled a muscle in my back while taking my coat off in the car on the way home on Saturday. Grrrrr! It's feeling a little better today so I'll have to make an effort to be a little less cranky-pants with everyone.

Another 12 hour day today which will probably be much like yesterday....dealing with issues and details through the day, doing a run followed by notes in the evening.

WOULD YOU NOTICE 1% ?

Our new Prime Minister, right-wing-bible-bashing-Bush-bitch-conservative Steven Harper, is being sworn in today, and the media is talking about his campaign promise to cut the GST....by 1%. What's the point? One percent? Big Deal. So instead of paying 7 cents on the dollar I'm paying 6. I propose to Mr. Harper that I stick 1% of my fist up his ass, and then stick 50 or 100 percent of it up there and ask him which percentage he actually noticed.

CLEANING YOUR OWN BACK YARD - A RANT

I've been on a rant recently about families that can't be bothered to be conscious of the environment. I get particularly cranky when they give the excuse that they 'just don't have time.' Now, I say families on purpose because I am continually stunned by all the time and energy that parents put into preparing for their children's future, yet continue to happily pollute, pillage and disregard the very earth that their children will inherit. I get even more cheesed as I methodically separate my recycling every week, scour office supply stores for unbleached, recycled paper, check the ingredients on house-hold cleaners for harmful ingredients etc. etc. I don't have, nor will I ever have children to pass the planet on to. So why am I doing all this work for those of you that can't be bothered? Granted, I know there are those of you out there who are concerned and who are doing something about it. Even the small things count. I fear, however, that you are the minority. I've actually heard people say, "It's not my problem, I'll be dead", and then they go happily on consuming & polluting, consuming & polluting.

And here's the ridiculous thing...It's not hard to make smarter, more ecologically sound choices, you just have to give a shit. If you were really interested in the long-term well being of your offspring, you would live by that old saying: "We don't inherit the earth from our parents, we borrow it from our children."

WAITING FOR OUR WALLS

We all continue to be impressed with how well written "Dial M..." is. When reading the play, you think, "My God! This dialogue is endless. The audience will be bored stiff." But on it's feet, the scenes fly by and are so densely packed with important information that it never gets dull. Not for a moment. Obviously, this is why the play is still being produced 50 years later.

We will finally have our set on Monday. Yay !!!! It won't get moved in until Sunday (our day off) because it's coming from Theatre Aquarius production of "Dial M..." which doesn't close until Saturday. It will be nice to function within the walls, the world of the play. Until then, we're spending our time breaking scenes down into the tiniest moments, Fine tuning, tweaking, adjusting. Adding the light and shadow to the big picture.

I'M NOT SINGING !

I'm having so much fun doing a play, I mean a non-musical. It occurred to me today that it's been waaay too long. I actually had to stop and think about the last play I did and realized that it was "Caesar & Cleopatra" , Newton's final show at Shaw in 2002. Since then it's been musical after musical, "Rocky Horror...(see profile photo)", "Best Little Whorehouse", "Oh, Coward", "Beauty & The Beast" ....on and on. To arrive at the theatre for rehearsal, knowing that I don't have to sing a note, thrills me. Of course, the thrill is short lived since the run of "Dial M..." is too, but I will cherish every second.

We did another run thru today. I think we're in great shape, and our director seems to think so too. I'm at that stage where I'm trying to let go, trusting that all that we've talked about is in place...just letting it happen rather than MAKING it happen, rather than ACTING!! My scene with James today was full of wonderful surprises, for and from both of us.

The strangulation scene with Deb is also starting to feel great. We are both very comfortable with each other and our moves and are totally trusting of each other. Everyone keeps telling us that it looks very real and is a bit uncomfortable to watch. EXCELLENT! Now we're just trying to make sure to time everything with the music for maximum effect. I need to remember to breathe !!!! I get so caught up in the scene, and making grunting noises as though I'm putting a great deal of effort into strangling her. Then, when she stabs me, it's just such an automatic reaction to hold my breath. None of this, in itself is bad, but I need to lie dead on the stage during the scene as it continues for the next 5 or 6 minutes, and it just won't do to have my chest heaving because I've been holding my breath. Oh, and I also need to practice keeping my eyes open. (yah, I'm in acting for that glamour) The script makes mention of "...those horrible, staring eyes.." so there I am, contacts slowly adhering to my eyeballs, focusing on NOT blinking. This especially difficult when James comes to roll me over and start searching my pockets.

The things I won't do to tell you people a good story.