Picture it. IKEA. Saturday afternoon. Big Sale. Nightmare. The place is like an ant hill under construction. And apparently, families don’t do happy, picturesque weekend things anymore. An outing to IKEA now qualifies as “quality time”. Here’s the problem: when there is that many people working the aisles, like sharks trolling for chum, a little common sense and civility would make it easier for everyone to navigate. However, give anyone a baby stroller or a shopping cart loaded down with 3, 000 lbs. of shelving units, and they immediately start using it as a battering ram to make their way to the check out. Just because you are pushing something in front of you, you are not excused from having to say, “Excuse me”.
A statistician told me once that it has been proven, without a doubt, that traffic fatalities drop dramatically anywhere that seatbelts become mandatory. However, what they don’t tell you is that accident rates actually go up. People, surrounded by their metal shell, feel safer and therefore bolder. Like all those small-dick red-necks and bleach-blond-real-estate broads on the expressway who suddenly become charter members of the ‘Get-the-fuck-out-of-my-way’ club. Going faster and driving more aggressively does not give you the right of way. The statistician suggested that if you really wanted to lower accident rates, every steering wheel should be fitted with a big spike, pointing directly at the chest of the driver !! I suggest the same for baby strollers. How about a spring-loaded boxing glove that delivers a smart punch to the abdomen of the driver every time the front wheels come in to contact with anything ….like my ankles.
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Ah yes...IKEA during "real people" hours. The best option, I have found, is to venture out into the world during "ACTOR" hours....Those hours when the rest of the world is locked up in glass towers, inside tiny cubicles, pushing buttons and flirting around the photo copier...Those blissful hours, like 11am on a Tuesday, when I can sit anywhere I want on the subway, get incomparable service in any retail outlet, have coffee with other actors in empty restaurants and saunter into the movie theatre to see a matinee movie in an empty theatre!!!!
I may not know where my next pay cheque is coming from....but I live in a far less populated world than the average Joe! I wouldn't trade it for the world. Rush hour? That's when I'm napping in front of Oprah!
And on the rare occaision that I get on the street car during MY ACTOR HOURS and for some reason it's packed - I am want to shout, "Don't you people have JOBS?!!!! This is MY time!"
Fuck real people.
Becca
(Nice to see you're writing Patrick! I love it!)
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