DIRTY ROTTEN AKRON

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - The Musical" ....on tour...

Well, it's official....Akron hated us. Oh, not the audiences. We had one crowd out of the three that was a bit stingy with the laughs and certainly didn't think that anything sexual was funny, but overall, the crowds were great. No, it was the city itself that opened it's maw to spew all over us. But let me begin at the beginning...

We are on a bus at the hotel in Sioux City by 7:30 a.m. to travel to Omaha NB so that we can fly to Chicago to make a connection for a flight to Cleveland where our usual bus and driver will meet us and drive us to Akron. There is nothing like starting your day by being violated by airport securitytheatre. It's funny how they manage to say, "Good morning, how are you, sir?", but make it sound, somehow, like they're saying, "I am well programmed cog in a wheel with too much power." By the time we arrive in Akron and check in to our hotel, it is 5 pm. The bus will pick us up again at 7 for and 8 pm show. We are already tired and a little cranky.

We are not reassured by the signs in the hotel elevator that say, "Money, jewellery and other valuables must be locked in the safe or we take no responsibility" and "You must swipe your room key to access guest floors after hours".

The situation only gets crankier as everyone discovers that there are no options for food in the area except for the hotel restaurant which seems uninterested in serving anyone. Those that order end up getting their food packaged to carry on to the bus as they grossly underestimate how slow the service is. (The food, thankfully, isn't bad). Mel, opting to try to find outside food or a convenience store, wanders a block or two down the street and enters a corner store. All conversation inside the store abruptly ceases and all heads turn to her, not in a welcoming way. She decides that this may not be what she's shopping for and leaves. Several of the store's denizens follow her down the street offering helpful suggestions like, "Yo, bitch" and, "Whore". Needless to say, we are a grumpy cast by the time we arrive at the theatre.

That night, a group of hoodlums (you know, rapscallions, unsavories) try to break into the crew bus. The crew are all sleeping at the hotel, but the bus driver, Phil, is sleeping on the bus. He gets up, chases one of the group down and tackles him while William, who drives one of our trucks, chases down another one. The police are called. The rumours are proven true: You DO NOT fuck with Phil's bus. (sidebar...Phil has been a tour bus driver for 15 years and lived through the" Jackass" boys.)

The next morning, Saturday, the search for food other than from the hotel continues, but with little success. It's downtown and it's Saturday, there are few options. I decide to take a cab to the nearest liquor store. It is a journey to Sketchville. The signs outside boldly advertise that this is a "State approved" liquor store, but the inside looks more like a pawn shop. The only booze that one can actually touch is the beer and wine, everything else is behind the long cash counter or locked behind glass. A woman at the cash is paying for a bottle of something with the last dregs of change from her wallet. As she scrounges up the final twenty-six cents, as though she was at a tent revival meeting, she shouts out, "THANK YOU JEZUS!"

When we return to the hotel at the end of our two show day, exhausted and desperate for a drink, we discover that the hotel is full of prepubescent cheer leaders. They are busy riding the elevators so it takes us much longer to get to our rooms than it should, our eardrums bleeding from them shrieking at each other in triple-digit decibels. The only balm that soothes us, is the fact that the hotel bar stays open for us after the shows and the bartender pours like it's the end of the world. The wine glasses are full to the brim, the scotch is not 2 fingers but 4 and the martini glasses are over flowing.

Is it any wonder that actors drink?