It's not my fault if you're drunk

So, SmartServe, or as I call it, SchmuckServe, is the Ontario Government's way of "training" me to serve alcoholic beverages. Now, let's be very clear about something. In no way do I agree with the fact that policing your alcohol intake is my responsibility. If I'm responsible for your actions after I give you alcohol, then the gun seller is responsible for your shooting deaths, the convenience store clerk who sold you the cigarettes is responsible for your cancer, and the (government controlled) liquor store is responsible for your alcoholism.


But lets talk about the course itself. To call this a course is like calling a made-in-China-princess-halloween-costume a "ball gown". It is like calling a popcorn fart a symphony. It is like calling Miracle Whip, mayonnaise. What we have here is a 2-3 hour course. That's it. Two to three hours. About the same amount of time it takes to get tired of your dinner guests once the table has been cleared. Within this short time period, you will be "trained" in "...safe and responsible practices...". It is only a government employee who could create a package, complete with a workbook and accompanying DVD, that uses up 2 to 3 hours of your valuable time just to say, "If this drunk customer kills someone with their car, you could be held responsible because some other drunk hired a really good lawyer once upon a time." And then, to make matters worse, the government itself makes this training MANDATORY and then makes everyone pay to take it.

But here's my favourite thing... I can take the training on-line by myself, and then, at the end of the 2 or 3 hours, I CAN GIVE MYSELF THE TEST!


So what we really have here is a knee-jerk reaction to a legal system out of control. This "training" is little more than propaganda, a fascist-like handbook for those who are expected to run scared by the threat of possible, future litigation. In short, this course is simply some bureaucrats' way of saying, "Can't sue us, we gave everyone training. Nya, nya."




SmartServe is the impotent indoctrinating the indolent. Or is it the other way around?

America's missing atlas

There is a little known, but serious tragedy stalking our neighbors to the south. It would seem that the cuts to education are deeper and have gone on longer than any of us suspected. I think we all know that education budgets have taken a huge hit in recent years, but I'm starting to wonder if geography was one of the first subjects to go, perhaps as long as 40 years ago.

In my alternate-universe-job as a waiter, I am constantly meeting citizens of Les Etats Loonie who are pleasantly surprised that they don't need to wear the sweaters that they packed. You see, many of these poor things are still labouring (YES, there IS a "u" in laboring) under the delusion that once they cross the border, they will need to get about on cross-country skis from igloo to igloo, hunting down Mounted Police for directions and trading American made blue-jeans for food.

All right, I exaggerate, ...but only slightly. To prove my point, I include the following excerpts from real, live conversations about the mysterious country many find themselves in.
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THEM: Hi. We just checked in. We're from Connecticut? ... ... ... USA?
ME: Yes, I'm familiar with Connecticut. We get quite a few visitors from your neck of the woods here.
THEM: Really?
ME: Yeah. That's most of our tourism here actually.
THEM: We didn't think people would come this far north.
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ME: Would you like to have lunch on the veranda or inside the restaurant?
THEM: Oh, inside please, get away from this Canadian heat wave.
ME: This usually happens every year, it's just a little early this year.
THEM: Early?
ME: Yeah. Usually August is when you pray for rain, or cold. Sometimes September, but usually August. That's what makes it good fruit growing country.
THEM: Really?
ME: Usually.
THEM: Hot? Like this?
ME: Mm-Hmm.
THEM: Every year?
ME: Pretty much.
THEM: Huh.
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THEM: Is your minute the same as our minute?
ME: Sorry?
THEM: Well, you're metric here.
ME: Yes.....?
THEM: So if I put a quarter in the meter, is it the same minute?
ME: ...(stunned silence)
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THEM: I packed all long pants. I figured I was coming up north.
ME: You might need long pants in the spring, but you're pretty safe in June in southern Ontario.
THEM: Still, you know, ....north.
ME:Actually, did you know that you are further south right now that Seattle, Washington?
THEM: No kidding?
ME: True. In fact, you are further south than the entire state of Washington. Further south than Minnesota, most of Wisconsin and both Dakotas.
THEM: Really? I might have to look that up.
ME: You do that. Good luck.
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WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?

I have noticed a disturbing trend over the past few years. Apparently, people seem to feel no shame whatsoever when they steal other people's booze at a BYOB party, which is what most parties tend to be these days. I started noticing this about 10 years ago when I attended the occasional house party thrown by various and sundry Shaw Festival folks, usually actors. I got so tired of opening a bottle of wine, having one glass and returning to find the bottle empty that I got into the habit of carrying the bottle with me and drinking directly from it. Ok, so it's possible that the odd individual may be too drunk to notice that the wine label is different from the one they brought, wine labels being what they are, but EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE disappeared at EVERY SINGLE PARTY!

This past weekend, I attended one of my favourite events: the roof-top party/watching of the annual Pride Parade in Toronto. I had a bottle of Pinot Grigio and came up with what I thought was a rather clever idea. I bought a bottle of soda water, mixed the wine and soda together and poured the mixture back into the two bottles. Voila! Two bottles of pre-mixed, spritzer 'light', one in the soda water bottle and one in the wine bottle. I took the soda water bottle with me to the roof and left the wine bottle in the fridge. After some parading, and sharing around a glass or 3 of my bottle, I decided I should go down and get the 'reserve' bottle from the fridge. Imagine my surprise (actually, I thought I was going crazy) to find it missing. Not wanting to think the worst of anyone at this function, I tore the fridge apart, assuming that it had simply been moved for some reason. But, alas, no. Upon returning to the roof, there was the empty bottle sitting, discarded, forlorn & ignored in the roasting sun.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Did you ask anyone, least of all me, if it would be all right to 'share' some of my spritzer? And it's not like you sneakily helped yourself to a sly glass-full, YOU DRANK THE WHOLE FUCKIN' BOTTLE!!!! Did you feel that your contribution of food entitled you to some free booze? Oh, wait, outside of a bag of sunchips, some rice crackers and mini-tub of humus, the rest of the food was brought by......
um.......oh yes....ME!!!!!!!! Mm-hm. That big bowl of blueberries you enjoyed. I brought that. The delicious Benedictine blue cheese? I brought that. The super-spicy Genoa salami. I brought that. Oh, and the bottle of wine you stole? I brought that too, BUT FOR MYSELF!!!

Please people, scrape together your spare change, go out into the streets and see if you can buy a clue!!! If you didn't bring it, and it's not on the buffet, IT'S NOT YOURS. And remember, karmic justice is swift and furious. Right now, someone is taking something from you that you don't want them to have, and I am standing on a roof top on Yonge street, pointing and laughing.