Dirty Rotten Naples Plus

I hadn't planned on making another entry for this leg of the tour, but this is too good to pass up.

There is a lot of money here and that is reflected in the shops we pass on the way to the theatre. It seems that all anybody ever does is redecorate their homes since there's a furniture or home accessories store every 200 yards. There is also a very high end shopping mall anchored by a large Saks Fifth Avenue. So imagine our delight as we pass a store that boldly stands out by proclaiming it's name in huge letters.....
"NOT JUST FUTONS AND BARSTOOLS". Not kidding. Not even a little bit.

DIRTY ROTTEN NAPLES

Or as I've taken to calling it, Nipples, Florida.....sunshine state my ass!!! Well, ok the sun IS shining but it's not really short pants weather. When one drives through miles and miles of orange groves and palm trees, one expects warm ocean breezes.

As soon as we arrive at the hotel, I dump my stuff and head toward the beach. I'm told it's about a 20 minute walk which is fine with me after sitting on a bus for days. I pass many, many large and expensive homes and condo units. Luxury cars and boats parked in the shade of waving palms. I eventually reach a public access point that allows me past the condo units to the beach which, I discover to my delight, is deserted. It's very, very windy and the surf is pounding in. I can feel the salt spray on my face and I park my ass on the soft white sand to enjoy the salt facial. After sitting for about 20 minutes and enjoying the solitude, I realize that I can barely see out of my glasses any more because they're covered with salt.

Our show is a quiet one, though I do have a Mr. Bean moment which causes me to crack myself up. In my scene with K.K., I lean back on the hotel desk and accidentally hit the little bell, which surprises me and causes me to reach around to silence it, which causes me to knock the phone off of it's cradle, which causes me to look like an inept juggler for the next few minutes as I try to put everything right. I am also trying to suppress the giggles. Throughout all of this, K.K. watches me with an expression that says, "I'm not at all sure what you're doing. Are you going to say your line any time soon?".

Today is our last day for this leg of the tour. We do an understudy rehearsal this afternoon, a show tonight and then we fly home tomorrow for the Christmas break.

Dirty Rotten Editing

Clearly I've been doing my part to help keep telecommunication companies in business. It seems that someone from Paducah read my blog and was offended by it. Telephone calls have been burning across borders ever since.

The purpose of my blog has always been to entertain. Stimulate, yes. Engage, sure. Titillate, perhaps. Enlighten, enliven and encourage conversation....absolutely. But the primary reason the blog exists is to entertain people by sending tiny little bits and bytes of me and my crazy life out into cyberspace so that those in my life, and the people in their circles don't seem so far away.

None the less, in the interest of international peace & goodwill (it is Christmas after all), in the interest of international commerce (the economy being what it is), in the interest of the greater good and proving that we humans might be able to prove our self-professed superior intellect if we keep trying, I have graciously decided to edit the chapter in question.

In the interest of authenticity, however, I decided to leave my spelling and grammatical errors intact.

Dirty Rotten Tallahassee

So the thing about KY restaurants not serving liquor on Sundays turns out to be not true. We now begin to wonder if the helpful local crew member who whipped us into a frenzy with horror stories of dry Kentucky on a Sunday is having a good laugh with her quilting group. It's true that you can't buy it, but restaurants can serve it as many of the company find as the day progresses.

Another day of travel mayhem looms ahead of as I try to run away from reality by slapping the snooze button on my 6 a.m. alarm. We load the bus and depart the hotel by 7 a.m. heading for Nashville to catch a 10:50 a.m. flight. Ten or so minutes of driving on the interstate and we have to turn around. Keely has left her purse (and therefore, her passport) in the breakfast room. The real comedy here is the fact that moments before we departed, Jessica brought the purse onboard, thinking that it belonged to Karen Kay. When Karen Kay said that it was not hers, Jessica returned the purse to the breakfast room where she found it.

En route to Nashsville airport we encounter a serious traffic slow down due to an accident. This slow down, combined with our unscheduled return to the hotel puts us in jeopardy of missing our flight. Suddenly, everything turns into a military operation as we figure out the best way to stream line our check-in and departure. Our airline reservations have been made in groups of four, so we are divided into those groups, one person in each group responsible for checking-in and printing the boarding passes of the other 3. We are STRONGLY ENCOURAGED to leave every possible bit of baggage on the bus since it will arrive in Tallahasee by the time we finish the show. This will keep us from being held up by checking and paying for stowed luggage. (Currently, I have nothing with me but my purse, my laptop and some contact lenses. I am hoping that the bus gets here before our reception after the show so that I can at least change my shirt.) We blow through the airport like a force to be reckoned with and arrive at the departure gate with time enough to buy a coffee and/or muffin. We should have had the soundtrack from an "Indiana Jones" movie playing during our assault on the terminal.

We arrive, an hour later, in Atlanta to make our connection to Tallahasee......and disaster strikes. The flight has been over-sold and four of our cast may have to wait for the next flight. The rest of us board and cross our fingers. Three of the missing four board the plane, (thanks to volunteers who are willing to take a later flight) but Melanie is left behind in Atlanta. Tyler will now have to drop us off at the hotel and then return to airport to await her arrival. Tyler shows no visible signs of stress except for his hair that grows taller and fluffier as he continues to run his hands through it.

Tallahasee is another arena show, like the one in London. No ice this time, but the same otherwise. The p0st-show reception is no small affair. They have laid out a spread for us and their subscribers that includes a seafood buffet, roast beef, roast turkey, and coffee & liqueur bar.....you name it. One of the subscribers tells me that this is the bonus for having to play in an arena and that a performing arts center in the works. The bus has not arrived as we thought it would so those of us who left everything on it earlier in the day now look conspiculously under-dressed and under-shaven for a "do" of this calibre.

The view of Tallahasee from my 14th floor hotel room is stunning. It seems as though this little city was just dropped into the midst of a forest, greenery stretching off to the horizon.

DIRTY ROTTEN PADUCAH ky

The theatre is beautiful and the community is quite proud of it. It cost 50 million, 20 of with the government gave them and they fund-raised the rest. We've played to about 1,200 people each night and they loved the show.

We averted a near disaster last night. Today is our day off, which means we are spending it here in Paducah. One of the local crew happened to overhear us talking about the things we wanted to do and informed us that, not only can you not buy liquor in Kentucky on a Sunday, RESTAURANTS CANNOT SERVE IT EITHER !!!!!!!!!!! We knew we were in the bible belt but COME ON. It reminds me of the bad old days in Alberta when your food bill had to be higher than your liquor bill in order to appease the Churchies. We informed our company manager that if he wanted to avoid a mutiny, the bus would make a stop at the liquor store on the way back to the hotel so that we could have cocktails on our day off. I'm sure the employees at the liquor store are still talking about the night that 20 crazy people stormed the store. It's even possible that a sign has gone up that says, "No more than 5 actors at a time."

Tomorrow will be another long day as we have to leave the hotel at 6 a.m. to drive to Nashville in order to fly to Tallahassee FL....then do a show that night. At least it will be warmers.

Photos of Michael and Sarah in and out of their crew bus.

Dirty Rotten Ames

An uneventful trip from Minneapolis to Ames Iowa. There is more grumbling and outbursts as we arrive at the hotel to find that, once again, the info. sheets are a lie and there are no actual restaurants within walking distance. Our company manager is, once again, on the phone screaming at people. Who needs t.v. when we can just push the company manager's buttons and watch him go.

The theatre is on the campus of Iowa State University and it is HUGE!!!! No, I mean really, truly, gargantuan. We've played theatres that hold 2500 people before, but something about the design of this one makes the space particularly cavernous. The main floor holds 1700 and playing to the back row is like playing to the other end of a football field. There are three balconies and the top one is high enough that you could base jump from it. Obviously, we're a big attraction as the main floor is mostly full and there are a good number of seats sold on the first level balcony and loges. Steve and I, in an effort to articulate, give the orchestra a 2 hour spit-shower. It's like playing the coliseum in Rome.

Upon returning to the hotel, any restaurant that will deliver does a hefty business as the post-show hunger sets in.

Another day of traveling as we begin making our way to Paducah KY. (Come on, say it out loud. It's fun. Paducah!) Today we will get half-way there, spending the night in Champaign IL. When do we get to the warm states again?

DIRTY ROTTEN MINNEAPOLIS

After hours of driving through endless evergreen forest on a two-lane highway (shades of my childhood in Northern Manitoba) we finally reach the interstate and begin to re-emerge into civilization.

While unpacking the night before, I realize that I have left the power cord for my laptop in the hotel in London. This stresses me a lot because not only can I not charge or use my laptop, but my mp3 player also needs to be charged from the laptop. Translation: I've just lost 80% of my bus-ride entertainment. We stop for a meal break in Hayward WI, a pimple with a grain elevator in the middle of nowhere, and I spy a tiny shack with a sign that says, " GADGETS - computer sales & service". I figure it's a long-shot, but worth a try. To my major astonishment, they have a choice of 2 power cords for me to buy! Clearly it was meant to be. (The housekeepers in London have since been in touch and are mailing my old power cord to my house.)

As we near Minneapolis, the children are all planning what kind of exciting "things" they're going to do on our night in the big city. Though I really enjoy my cast, I don't need to spend 24 hours a day with them, and I picture myself , alone, in a civilized martini bar somewhere, watching the world and enjoying the sensation of NOT moving. A short walk from the hotel finds me exactly what I'm dreaming of. Lots of teak, a long bar, black leather on the stools. I stand out from the after-work-business crowd, but the detailed way in which I order my martini earns me an almost audible murmer of acceptance. I begin to understand how right I was to let my nose lead me to this place...there is a line of martini glasses chilling with ice cubes behind the bar, a squeeze bottle of olive juice in the fridge and the bartender asks me how cold I prefer my martinis !!!! The shoppers shop, the music muses, the business crowd bizes....all is well in my world.

On the way back to the hotel I stop at MASA, an upscale Mexican restauraunt because I notice that they do take out. I order 3 chicken tacos (the authentic soft kind, not the Americanized crunchy kind)and take them back to my room. I am floored by how delicious they are. Best Mexican food I've had outside of Mexico !!!

N.B.
Downtown Minneapolis is very much like downtown Calgary, but with people.

The bed in my suite is so huge I have to roll over three times to be able to read the time on the alarm clock. I laugh out loud and drift away.

Dirty Rotten Blizzard

The matinee in London reaches it's conclusion without incident. It is a smaller, quieter crowd - Sunday afternoon with Granny.

Our plan is to get directly on the bus and begin our lengthy trek to Houghton MI. It's so remote that we'll have to do it in 2 installments, aiming to end the first part by over-nighting in Gaylord MI. As we leave London and head toward the Sarnia border crossing, the snow has already started to fall and continues to get heavier as we drive. We manage to make it across the border fairly quickly and easily. (We hear later that the crew gets hassled by a dickhead with an inflated sense of self-importance who eventually (and inexplicably) charges them all $6.00 and lets them continue.

We stop for a meal break at a Cracker Barrell restaurant/country store which is the ultimate in fake country/homey kitsch. But the fire is real the biscuits are hot. We watch the snow continue to pile up on the rocking chairs outside the windows.

Driving on, the road conditions get worse and worse and the bus goes slower and slower. We realize that our ETA is getting later and later. Drinking begins. Our stage manager realizes that it's probably not the best time to try to enforce the alcohol rules at this point. We eventually reach our hotel in Gaylord at 2 a.m., tired, grumpy and more that a little tipsy. We wake up the entire hotel on our way to our rooms. Though I am only in the room for 6 hours, I make a mental note to ask the rest of the cast if their rooms are decorated with photos of Neuschwanstein, the castle from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The morning comes too soon as we load the bus at 10 a.m to continue. Though the snow has let up, the roads are still covered and there are many phone calls being made as to the fate of tonight's show. The producers insist that we try to make it there, even though the trucks and crew will not arrive in time to do a complete set up. It is decided that we will do a 'bare-bone's version of the show, eliminating large set pieces, back drops and even some costumes. Our ETA is 6:15 for a 7:30 show. Our joy at doing yet another 'version' of the show can only matched by our ecstasy at the thought of spending another 8 hour day on the bus tomorrow. Fortunately, we have all purchased ligour from the gas station.
We arrive at the hotel at 6:20 for what is supposed to be a 7:30 show. We are given 30 minutes to shower/shave/pray/vomit and tole that the curtain will be held for as long as it takes for us to do a sound check and safety-spacing rehearsal. The show starts at 8:02 and the crowd goes wild.

Dirty Rotten London

We arrive in London in plenty of time to do a little life administration. I make use of the free time to find a haircut and visit the market.

On the bus, there has been much discussion as to whether our show is at 7:30 or 8:00. This uncertainty apparently arises from the fact that we still don't have a signed contract from this venue. While I can understand how this might account for the lack of information, I wonder aloud if anyone has thought of contacting the box office by phone or on line. I'm certain that the people who are purchasing tickets will have a time printed on them. This idea is met with a why-don't-you-go-be-a-smarty-pants-somewhere-else glare.

As it turns out, the showtime is 8:00, so we arrive at the "theatre" with time enough to have a meeting about the newest wrinkle in our lives. Canadian Actors' Equity, in it's infinite wisdom, has decided that, under the terms of The Canadian Theatre Agreement, it is illegal for us to do a spacing rehearsal and/or sound check before our half-hour call. They consider this a proper rehearsal which can only take place provided that there is a minimum of 90 minutes break before the half-hour call. It doesn't take a team from MENSA to figure out that this is virtually impossible with the kind of schedule we're working on. The spacing is not so much of a problem. The sound check is....but I'll get to that.

The reason "theatre" is in quotes is because we are playing the John Labatt centre. This is where people go to see hockey games and rock concerts. It's an area. An ice rink, not a theatre, in spite of the fact that they sell a "broadway series" out of this venue. Take one large hockey arena, add a portable, raised stage and a mountain of black masking draps. Section off one quarter of the arena at one of the round ends and place the stage on the ice that has been covered with a layer of insulation. The sectioned off 1/4 becomes the "theatre" and the remaining 3/4 of the arena becomes "backstage".

Given the "no sound check" rule, the first half of the show is a nightmare as mics explode with squeaks, pops, bangs, screeches and howls....that is, when they're working at all. The orchestra, as well as a significant portion of the audience, are freezing because, even though the ice has been covered, the cold still seeps up through the insulation into one's feet/legs. The temporary stage is hollow underneath so the sound of huge set pieces being rolled on and off is deafening. I start a rumour that Disney and Columbia Artists have begun negotiation for "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels On Ice", to do a tour of arenas around the country next year.

Still, the show goes well yet again. I am very surprised that when Christy sings the lyrics "Watch me blow the little fuckers heads right off" she gets a huge laugh. Not the kind of response one expects from uptight, middle class London.

We drink, knowing that we have to do it all over again for today's matinee before getting on a bus and traveling to a place called Gaylord, Michigan.

Dirty Rotten Hamilton - The Dirty Rotten Scoundrels National Tour

Ah yes......Hamilton. It's kind of a double edged sword to be here. We're happy to be back in Canada for a few days, but we're stuck here in polluted, piss-stained Hamilton until we leave for London on Saturday. Ah well, the theatre is nice and the shows are selling well.

Yesterday....
We wake in Roanoke VA and board our bus at 4:30 a.m. to begin the 3 hour drive to the airport in Charlotte NC. Most of us manage to sleep the whole way. It is THE MOST traveled day of they year (thanks to American Thanksgiving) and the airport is already swarming with people, but there is plenty of staff everywhere and things go very smoothly. Some of us are introduced to a new tool in America's on-going efforts to fool itself into a sense of security with it's security theatrics. It's a bit like a glaucoma test for your whole body. Little puffs or air are blown at you and any chemicals present on your body are lifted off and read by sensors as they float in the air. Only random people are subjected to this however so, ......security theatrics.

The flight is uneventful. We land in Toronto around 11:30 and clear customs without incident. We are notified at this point, however, that the crew bus and the trucks carrying the show have not crossed the border yet. We begin making plans to do a 'concert version' of the show. We check into the hotel in Hamilton and stumble onto the street among the crack-whores to try to find food. The hotel is right across the street from the theatre so we notice that the crew bus has arrived (1:30). This give us hope. Some food, some shopping, a cocktail, a nap, a shower and it's time to get to the theatre for the 6:30 call. We arrive to discover that the show is pretty much ready to go. The crew has performed a Herculean task by unloading and setting up two, fully loaded semi's in 4 hours. We are stunned.

This afternoon we, that is all of us who are understudying someone else, are called to do an understudy run of the show. Then another performance tonight. Then a well deserved day off tomorrow. Maybe we can join the unemployed and uninterested at the bingo palace down the street?

Also, as of this posting, I will start putting these entries on my blog so that anyone can read them.
www.actorinexile.blogspot.com