DIRTY ROTTEN BAKERSFIELD,CA

You know how sometimes, for no good reason that you can remember, you get totally the wrong idea about a person or place before you've even seen them? I had that idea about Bakersfield. For some reason I thought it was a dusty, broken down hovel of a town. Imagine my surprise as we drive into a bustling, lush, verdant and tidy little city. The Four Points Sheraton also contributes to the feel of the place. The decor makes me feel like I've walked into the catalogue. Everything stark white and ice blue and very spartan, punctuated by tiny splashes of powerful colour. The bathroom is so sparse and white that I need sunglasses. IkeaSooooo Scandinavian.

The theatre is bizarre. It's a strange hybrid of arena and theatre space, designed more for a Madonna concert than a Broadway musical. The stage is vast, you could play football in the orchestra pit, the house is vast, and the possible right-to-left spread of the audience could give an actor whiplash. Also, unlike other arena-type spaces we've played, this one does not have the usual raised, temporary stage. Instead, we are playing on plywood panels laid down over concrete. (A first in my checkered career). Much quieter for rolling sets, not so good for dancers. Once again, we are lifted out of the odd, and not always comfortable surroundings, by an audience that plays along and loves the show. We celebrate having played our last arena AND our last one-night-stand! It's back through the Tejon pass, through all the farms, orchards and vineyards to Los Angeles where we will play Thousand Oaks for a week.

DIRTY ROTTEN CERRITOS, CA

I gotta say, I really, really like California. I've been here before, several times, and I've always enjoyed myself, but spending so much time here now, I realize that it just feels good here. I guess that's why the population of the state is 38 million.

Most of us enjoy a day of thrills at Six Flags, which is really nothing but a park for coaster junkies. My voice is hamburger from screaming all day. The new X2 coaster, first of it's kind in the world, is RIDICULOUS!!! I think I actually saw my life flash before my eyes. What makes this ride unique is the fact that they've put the seats out in space beside the track instead of above or below it. ...And the fact that seats rotate. You make the initial climb to the top going backwards but then your seat suddenly pitches forward so that you plummet toward the earth in your first gut-wrenching drop FACE DOWN! I think I liked it, but I was too terrified to be sure. The string of profanity pouring out of my mouth during the ride prompted the guy next to me, at the end of the ride, to lean over and calmly ask, "First time?"

The final ride of the day was Goliath that I rode with Mike Donald. Because there's no up-side down sequences, the ride doesn't have an over the shoulder harness, just a lap bar. The initial climb is stupid.....twenty stories! Mike and I are in the second seat of the first car. As we are about to go over the top into the almost-straight-down descent, the random girls in front of us turn around and say, in unison, with saucer-eyes, "Guys, seriously?". Then there is only screaming.

After our last two hotels, the Marriott in Norwalk (not the virus place, that was Ohio) feels like the fuckin' Ritz-Carlton and we are very glad to arrive. Time begins to change our opinion though....

-I am given a key package that says "Greves/Brown on it. I go to the room and assume that Michael hasn't had time to check in yet. I call Michael and he says, "Um...don't you see my stuff all over the room?" It seems they have given each of us a room, even though we are sharing. I also find out later that no one can find me (us) because we are apparently listed as a person named Greves Brown.
-The lounge, which looks beautiful, doesn't ever seem to be open when we are around, even closing at 10:30 on a Friday & Saturday night. It's not open at all on the Sunday because the bartender phoned in sick and no one covered the shift.
-The restaurant which, again, looks nice, has appalling service. Michael has to eat his breakfast as someone is vacuuming around him.
-Room service is always, always busy. Anyone who tries to reach them over and over again eventually gives up and calls the front desk to have their order walked over to the room service phone.
-On returning after our show on Saturday night, none of our room keys will work and we all have to stand in a line-up at the front desk to have them re-programed while Tyler yells at the desk clerks.
-Oh, and for some reason, there is only one, yes one, lonely lounge chair by the pool. Weird.

But the rooms are clean, the beds are comfortable and no one seems to care how late you stay in the jacuzzi (as those who stayed in it until 4 a.m. getting drunk and naked will tell you).

The Cerritos Center for Performing Arts is amazing. Stunning design, brilliant in it's execution, and mind-boggling in terms of the different configurations it can assume. It's worth a visit to the site to see this outstanding example of architecture. (The library that is part of the same civic complex is also amazing, containing a gigantic aquarium at it's center. Here is a video of the library and the theatre as it re-configures itself.) One of our truck drivers tells me that the local crew at this theatre is such a well oiled machine that they have our two trucks unloaded in 26 minutes!!!

The audiences, over the course of our 4 shows here, never really get rolling. They remain quite reserved and quiet across the board, though the blame for their silence during our Saturday matinee lies squarely on us as the pace of the show is slower than Bush doing calculus. I will miss my beautiful dressing room that had it's own private balcony where I could sit and read in the California sunshine.

DIRTY ROTTEN VALENCIA, CA

We are spending a day off here in beautiful Valencia, home of Six Flags Magic Mountain, where we will be for most of the day, hurling our guts out and trying to withstand the g-forces on their collection of mammoth roller coasters.

Heather wrote a song which she sang to us on the long bus ride yesterday. Though most of the jokes are 'insider', I thought it was worth publishing it for y'all.

Heather's Tour Song

Starbucks and Subways
Wal-Mart, Ruby Tuesdays
That's how we spend our days
OUr life on the road

Eight-thirty for Nine, nine-thirty for ten
We load up His Majesty and hit the road again
With slippers on our feets
In our sweet pimped-out bus seats
I wonder what movie Jess picked for today

I wonder where our lunch stop will be
It better come quickly cause I have to pee
There's only one toilet and it's a long line
Gotta get to the Walgreens to buy my purse wine

Pei-Wei, Panerra
Don't forget Cracker Barrell
That's how we spend our days
Our life on the road

We've bussed 'cross the country
My butts getting lumpy
And Tyler's "nawt happy"
What state are we in?
I'm feeling the jet lag
Get Christy a barf bag
Oh fuck! I just dropped my PSP again

Days off for sightseeing the beach or the zoo
Just bought cowboy boots
Ladies unpack your 'cutes'
In the VIP section we party with class
Especially when our girl gets voted BEST ASS

"Continental" - Conti for short
Don't care if I'm fatter, I love waffle batter
I can stock up my snack bar
They saw me, Abort

Oh Denny's and IHOP
Grilled cheese at the truck stop
That's how we spend our days
Our life on the road

We arrived at five-thirty
You've only one hour
for a shit and a shower
Before the bus call

I wonder what sets will be cut for doay
And the dressing rooms are a good half-mile away
Pauls' calling the show from his personal bathroom
But YES! I just heard that there's snacks in the Greenroom

Oooooh Starbucks and Subways
That's how we spend our days
We've seen every season
From mountian to ocean

A cast like no other
We've laughed all the hours
'Cause that's what it's like for
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

DIRTY ROTTEN REDDING, CA

The drive to the very northernmost part of California is an eye opener. We drive for hours and hours through more orchards and vineyards than I have ever seen. Mile after mile after mile of neatly organized rows of trees and vines, all watered by a major aqueduct that snakes it's way through the valley.It is agriculture on a grand scale.

The location of our hotel in Redding is not quite so panoramic. (I discover later that Duff's family has told him to pass along to us not to walk anywhere in Redding at night, and that our hotel is on "meth row".) We are staying at the hotel that all of us love to hate, The Quality Inn. It's a brilliant stroke of marketing to call this chain "Quality", but I am sure that no one who works for the chain could define or even spell the word. The slack-jawed heifers behind the desk at this particular hell-hole are especially stupid.

At Check In:

Tyler:
This is Patrick Brown, he's sharing with Michael Greves who has already checked in, so could you just give us another key to whatever room Michael is in.

Stupid Brunette Girl Behind the Desk:
(Looking at the cast list)Brown? Greves? Michael?

Stupid Pink-haired Girl Behind the Desk:
(stares blankly through little piggy eyes)

Tyler:
Michael isn't on that list, he's on the crew. They've already checked in.

Brunette:
(Still staring at the cast list)
(Time passes)
He's not on this list

Tyler:
No. That's the cast list. Michael is on the crew.

Pink Hair:
(Still staring)

Brunette:
I'll have to find that other list.

(time passes)

Tyler:
All right. Could you? Please?

Pinkie:
(Stares)

Me:
Um.....couldn't you just look him up in the computer?
(Both desk idiots now look at me as though I've just spoken Greek)

Dumb Brunette eventually discovers what room Michael is in and asks Pinkie to make a new key. To my astonishment, Pinkie breaks her statue-like stance to make me a key, though she does not move off of her stool.

The theatre is another space that shouldn't be hosting us, but is. It is actually the Convention Center, and has arena-style seating, no orchestra pit, and dressing rooms that used to be offices and are up several flights of stairs. The audience seems very far away, but they are loud laughers, thankfully, and respond enthusiastically throughout the show.

On the local crew is a very, VERY handsome young man with dark hair, dark eyes, just enough five o'clock shadow, and a smile that could make Hitler blush. All the women and gay men are aflutter over this guy, and he is much discussed and flirted with. In the girl's dressing room, they discuss the dirty things they'd like to do with him. Several times, in her most lecherous, hillbilly voice, K.K. says, "He's yummy. I'd like to poke him." It's only at the end of the night that one of the dressers, who has been in the room with the girls all night, says to the girls, "Is he the one wearing a t-shirt that says, STAFF?". The girls affirm this to be true. The dresser says, "Oh, that's my son."

During one of my final scenes in the show, I fall apart like I have not fallen apart on stage for years and years. I am about to make a rather purposeful entrance that helps lead us to the big plot-surprise of the show, where I announce that, "The Jackal has been captured". Just as I step on to the stage, my suit jacket catches on a piece of scenery which is being stored in the wing I am entering from. Because I am moving quickly and with purpose, from the audience's point of view, it looks as though I am being yanked back into the wings by an invisible hand. They do not hear the tearing of my suit fabric as my jacket pocket is almost ripped off. Nor do they hear Stephen, Cooch and Chad, waiting to enter directly behind me, burst out laughing. I try to ignore them as best as I can, and make my entrance. The problem is that the whole series of events has just struck me as being so hilarious, that I can't speak. I can barely keep control of my face, scrunching it in a bizarre parody of seriousness as I make my way to where I should stand. On a normal night, Brian, who is already on stage, would unlatch the briefcase he is holding and prepare to open it, but would be stopped by my entrance. On this night, because I have not yet spoken, he is finding new and interesting excuses to NOT open the briefcase because his character cannot, yet, know what is inside. Eventually, I manage to squeak out my line, and Stephen, Cooch and Chad make their entrance. Stephen is a mess and as I catch the odd glimpse of his twisted, pained, laugh-suppressing face, and hear the odd squeak in his voice, my own attempts at recovery are thwarted. The crew, now aware that something is up, has gathered in the wings to watch the carnage. The orchestra, also aware that things are not as they should be, is grinning up at us like lunatic mimes. I, thankfully, have no lines for a few minutes and manage to gain a little control by staring at the floor as I listen to Stephen struggle through a few lines of song. We are both doing our best to avoid eye contact, convinced that any control we have gained will dissolve if we face each other. Eventually, somehow, over what seems like eternity but is, in fact, about 3 minutes, we manage to make it to the end of the scene and, without further incident.

Later, in the dressing rooms, Stephen thanks me for a memory that will stay with him for a very long time (and a theatre war story that'll be dragged out in many a post-show bar).

DIRTY ROTTEN SAN BERNARDINO, CA

...and dirty and rotten it is. We were warned that San B. was not the most hospitable of cities, but we weren't prepared for just how.....well, ...sketchy the city is. We are staying at a Hilton, with a pool, which is a good thing because the weather is scorching hot and there is virtually nothing to do here. The drive from the hotel to the theatre reveals a Bail Bonds office in every block, some of them advertising that they have an office conveniently located directly across from the jail. We are warned not to walk alone in the vicinity of the theatre at night, or around the hotel for that matter. (One of the "Oliver" cast was robbed at gunpoint not too far from our Hilton). There is a grocery store across the street from the theatre (where the boys witness an altercation that comes close to a knife fight one afternoon). I discover that they carry liquor, but I also discover that the security procedures needed to actually get it into my hands are not unlike trying to open a Swiss bank account. Duff visits the mall near the theatre (another place we are warned not to go) and says it's like the set of a horror movie, with most stores closed or closing, the whole place dominated by a dis-used, old merry-go-round. Oh, and did I mention that San Bernardino holds the dubious distinction of being where McDonald's started? Ray Croc's very first hamburger stand was right here.

The theatre is another one of those old vaudeville houses with a proscenium arch right out of The Muppet Show. There's even premium gold boxes at the edge of the balcony for Statler and Waldorf. But this also means that, once again, we've cut many pieces of the show, not as bad as an arena show, but still a pain. Also a pain is the fact that the wing space is so small that one is constantly bumping into someone trying to maneuver around the set pieces. The local crew has gotten very comfortable working the space though, so much so that they have forgotten how close they are to us when we're doing a scene on stage, so we are treated to their full-voice conversations the entire time. (They are, in fact, so loud that our bass player tells me that our mics were actually picking up their voices and broadcasting them directly into his headphones.)

The unseasonable heat is pushing the A/C capacity of the old building to the limit. Well, depending where you are. On the side of the stage that my dressing room is on, our little rabbit-warren of closet-sized rooms is sweltering. On the other side of the stage, the ensemble girls are so cold they have to keep a window open to let some heat in. We are not alone in suffering the heat. Every performance, I can see the waving of stark, white programs out in the darkness. The scene that K.K. and I do in our extra-plush terry-towel bath robes is a particular treat. A bit like putting on a parka to work in the garden in August....in Niagara.

The first night audience is absolutely rabid. (They do a lot of hooting in San B.) We could have walked onto the stage and carved a notch in a stick of wood and they would have screamed and applauded like asylum inmates. We play most of the shows to very full crowds, except for Sunday night. Mike Donald remarks that if all the Sunday night people had come for the matinee, we could have had a full house. Though it isn't really quite that small a crowd (700) it feels like it, especially when we are staggering under the heat. We are happy to finish up.

The morning is an easy start since we don't roll until 10. Cast and crew are milling about, drinking coffee, eating bagels, enjoying the California sun. We have a full day of driving to the cute little city of Sacramento, where we will spend the night. Then on further north (almost to Oregon) to Redding, CA for our next performance.

DIRTY ROTTEN BOZEMAN, MT

And we're back after a whirlwind week that could have been relaxing, but I suspect not. Though a change IS as good as a rest.

Michael and I waken at the crack of crow's piss on Monday morning to catch our flight to Vegas. The payoff is that we are checking into our hotel (The Luxor) by 11 a.m. The rumours about the long lines at The Luxor's front desk are true, but service otherwise is very, very good. Our room, as luck would have it, is ready, and we stagger into our 21st floor suite, complete with hot tub overlooking the mountains. Sadly, Vega has so much to offer that we will never get around to the hot tub.

Vegas is delicious and much changed since my last visit. I drag Michael, mercilessly, up and down the strip, indulging in every possible excess (it is Vegas after all). "La Reve" at The Wynn, "Believe" at The Luxor(See note below), "Ka" at The MGM, the roller coaster at New York, New York, cocktails and caviar at the Eiffel Tower Restaurant at Paris, shopping at Venice and Bellagio (ask Michael about his new Prada bathing suit), manicures at The Mirage, tasting menu at Emeril's (ho-hum) restaurant in MGM, and more martinis and slot machines than I can remember.

As we have another crack-of-crow's-piss flight to Calgary, the decision to stay up until all hours drinking and playing slots is probably ill advised, but what happens in Vegas only follows you as a hang over. We arrive in Calgary late on Thursday afternoon and are whisked away to the wilds of Airdrie for home some home-cooked deliciousness and calm. The next two days are a blur of visiting. Friday is egg-colouring day at the homestead, but I manage to drink my way through the throngs of attending children, some of whom, I'm told, are relatives. Friday night is our visit with a throng of rarely seen but cherished friends at our favourite Mexican restaurant, followed by a quick trip to StageWest where we catch the second act of "Boeing Boeing" (would someone please stop Marty Fishman from making good actors look bad?!?!) and a visit with more amazing friends who are still in the biz. Saturday is the big family Easter dinner which is lavish, delicious and entertaining but over-populated by children.

Sunday is another rising-sun-departure as we are being driven to Bozeman by my sainted Father and Step-Mother. The drive is a 9-hour blur of reading, napping and mountain views.

Bozeman is another arena-trying-to-be-a-theatre show. Have I mentioned how much I hate playing arenas? Again, most of the major set pieces and drops are cut. Again, we are yelling to be heard over the roar of set pieces rolling around on the hollow stage. And also, again, the audience is capacity and crazy-happy. It seems that no matter how bitter we are, we can't help but bring happiness to the people. We are now faced with two days off in Bozeman. Have I mentioned that I'm over Montana? Two days off here is a bit like two days off in your basement. Two days off in your car. Two days off in your bathroom. You probably could find something to do, but it will only entertain you for a few desperate moments. It's a bit like waiting in purgatory before we have to get up at 4 a.m. on Thursday morning so that we can fly to California.

*Note re: Criss Angel
Everyone, well, lots of people, are trashing this show. While I admit that it has some problems, most of which could be cured by a good writer and some major clean up on the transitions, it is a great night of thrills. I was enthralled and entertianed. Most of the furor seems to come from the content of the show which is very dark, macabre and twisted. I will say this......we saw "La Reve", which is the hot new ticket in Vegas that everyone is wiggling about. It was pretty, sometimes breath-taking, and a stunning use of technology. When all is said and done though, I felt empty, left with nothing, unchanged by the show. The Criss Angel show took risks, sometimes failing miserably, but at least it thrilled me, challenged me and left me lots to think about.

DIRTY ROTTEN RENO

People who can't afford to shop at Holt Renfrew, shop at The Bay. People who can't afford foiegras, buy Spam. People who can't afford Las Vegas go to Reno. Not only are we inundated with far too many brush cuts in sweat pants, 56D cups in sweat shirts, and polyester pant suits topped with lavender rinse, we are staying at Circus Circus.

Now, we've stayed at a lot of hotels on this tour. Some spectacular, some that make you want to peel your skin off and mail it back to yourself. In my personal opinion, this is the worst hotel ever. It's past it's day and starting to look it, the service is deplorable (but that seems to be the case everywhere in Reno), the housekeeping is not very good (I discover M&M's on my floor and Sarah finds the previous guest"s toiletry bag still hanging in her bathroom), and the long walk to the rooms in the Sky Tower is complicated by several sets of stairs that one needs to negotiate with one's luggage! Add to all of that the fact that the place is CRAWLING with children and you have my own personal kind of hell.

As I leave my room one day, there are 3 children, all under 5 years old, playing in the hallway....not an adult in sight. (Probably in the casino trying to win the money for this month's payment on the trailer home). I scowl at the urchins sufficiently enough to send them back to their rooms...or at least out of my sight. We find out that most of the children are here for a wrestling tournament. Twenty-two-hundred, twelve-year old boys have converged on Reno. (Why me? What next, locusts?)

The six elevators in our tower are miserably inadequate to service a full hotel. Often, you have to let 2 or 3 cars go before you can squeeze in to one, and this, after waiting several minutes for each car. Steve tells me that he eventually gave up one morning and walked down 20 flights of stairs with a long line of people who were doing the same.

Downtown Reno itself is looking pretty sad. A world apart from it's richer, sassier sister, Vegas. Everything is dusty, empty, closed or closing, and vagabonds, loonies and unsavories accent the streets. Everywhere we go, we find that service seems to be a lost art. We are studiously ignored for as long as possible, then grudgingly serviced. In a way I can see how it got this way because I'm pretty sure nobody makes much of a tip from Bucky Ballcap and Bertha Bingohall. At The Sienna, Reno's supposed "boutique hotel", I finally get the world's most watery martini from the careless bartener, and then have to pay $11.00 for it. I do have to add an exception here, though, and say that the food and the service at Mel's Diner are great. Perhaps that's why they've been there since 1947.

The theatre is very nice and supports a full season of Broadway shows and it's own Philharmonic series. We play 5 shows, all of them very well attended with vocal, responsive crowds. This is good news for me since I am still feeling like crap and need all the support I can get. The illness has turned into a wet, lung-rattling chest cough that makes me sound like an alcoholic, asthmatic smoker. Try singing and dancing a romantic duet through that!

Somehow, in spite of it all, I make it through. Through the impossibly overpopulated hotel. Through a manic five-shows-in-three-days. Through a whirlwind of visiting family, producers, possible producers and a host of sundry "somebodies" and hangers-on. Through phlegm, low oxygen, petty bickering questionable acting choices, I make it to the Easter hiatus. And that means that Michael and I get to spend a week of play-time together. First in Vegas, then in Calgary. Yee-haw. I hope my lungs can take it.

DIRTY ROTTEN GREAT FALLS, MT

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

I rest as much as possible on the bus and say as little as possible (imagine me resisting the impulse to speak) in order to preserve my voice. When we arrive in Great Falls, I take a brisk walk to see how quickly my energy level drops. I have a peculiar sensation in my mouth and it takes me a while to realize that I'm back in the prairie and I can taste the dust where ever I go. The walk goes well, my energy seems fine and my voice is about 80% restored so I decide to do the show.

We're in yet another weird-ass venue that requires a list of cuts from our sets and backdrops. It's been so long since we've done the full show that we're all having trouble remembering what it looks like. By the middle of Act 1, I am soaking wet and am relieved to hear that the rest of the cast is too. I don't have a fever, the theatre is simply the temperature of molten lava. It's a good, solid show and a great crowd and my voice manages to make it through to the end. Sadly, even though it is Jeffrey's birthday, I feel that it would be really irresponsible of me to go out and drink with the cast. So I go to bed.....

....and bed seems to be where I'll be spending my day off here in Great Falls. Ah....Mah.....Gahw! Being stuck downtown is not unlike being banished to the unfinished basement that your Grandparents refer to as the 'rec room'. I mean, I'm pretty good at entertaining myself but there is NOTHING here, and what there is carries an air of dusty, last chance desperation. Not to mention the assortment of broken down people who have the same last chance air. I hold a door open for an old man with a cane. Instead of thanking me, he hits me up for change. I tell him he gets money or politeness, not both. (Note to self: Buy a couple of hits of acid in order to stay entertained during 2 days off in Bozeman, MT!!!!).

The most interesting thing I've come across here is the classic 50's cafe down the street. This is no kitchy retro-diner, this is the real thing, complete with counter stools, juke boxes in the booths and hoodlums ordering cheese burger deluxe. The reason the place is so interesting though is because it has one of the grumpiest waitresses I've ever seen. She is such a sour-puss that she doesn't even raise her eyes from her pad when she speaks to someone. All I can think is, "Honey, I know you're a hundred and four years old, but you can't hold me responsible for that". She is, in fact, so miserable, and giving everyone (including the cook) such a hard time that I am wildly entertained.

DIRTY ROTTEN BILLINGS, MT

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

I wake in the middle of the night in my hotel room in Casper. I have the feeling that I am being murdered in my sleep. Someone is driving a knife into my throat. Actually, it turns out to be not a someone, but a something that has invaded my right tonsil and made me feel like I'm swallowing glass. I sleep very little and get up the next morning sounding like James Earl Jones after a night of boozing. I notify stage management that all is not well and put Duff on alert that he may be going on in Billings.

The day doesn't bring much improvement. At our mid-morning rest stop, I wander into the convenience store and am so dizzy I have to hold onto the counter to keep from falling over. By the time we get to Billings I am exhausted, even though I've been lying down for the whole trip. After lying on the hotel room bed for awhile, pounding oil of oregano and trying to find my voice, I make the decision to step out of the show for the night. It is only the second time in over 25 years that I have missed a show and it feels strange. I know I have made the right decision though when walking five blocks to the pharmacy. By the time I make it there, I am so tired that I have to rest before attempting the walk back to the hotel. I feel like an old man.

It's strange to hear all the kids leaving the hotel to do the show while I lay in bed. I decide to go find some soup for dinner since the hotel has no room service. Another short walk and I am once again depleted, but seated in a cozy, trendy restaurant. Their soup of the day is scallops and snow peas in a spicy Asian broth. It is an astoundingly delicious creation. As well, the heat relaxes and warms me and the spice makes my throat feel better. As I finish the soup, I realize that it's eight o'clock. The show has been happening for thirty minutes already. It is very weird to be sitting in a restaurant while my road family is at work. I feel like I'm truant.

I lie in bed, waiting to hear the cast coming back from the theatre. I am desperate to find out how it went. All reports are glowing. Duff did what we all knew he could/would. Duff thanks me for the gift - allowing him to get on stage at least once after understudying so many parts for so long. Everyone carries him off to buy him drinks, I carry myself back to bed.

DIRTY ROTTEN CASPER, WY

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"...on tour...

It's one of those days. Because our show finished so early in Pueblo, the bus call can legally be 7:30 a.m. without infringing on our mandatory 11 hour rest period. So, we stumble aboard.

It isn't long before we're waving at the shit-box hotel we stayed in when we played Colorado Springs. Then, shortly after that, we encounter a snow storm and morning traffic that is moving at a crawl in.....guess where....our favourite city to drive through.... DENVER!!!! The slow-down puts us at least an hour behind schedule, and Lady D probably won't be able to make it up because the roads the rest of the way are either icy or being hammered by 50 mph winds, making the ride a little wild. (No puking though)

Wyoming is beautiful in a stark, empty sort of way, at least for the first hour or so. The snow capped bluffs and blowing ice crystals make it seem quite desolate though. At any point in our journey today, it is very easy to spontaneously point and shout, "Look! Absolutely nothing !"

I would like, at this point, to ask for your help. I'd like you all to assist me in finding the fucking idiot that looked at an arena on day and thought, "You know, if we just curtain off one end, we could do theatre in here...kind of like a rock concert in reverse." If I ever find the lame-brain that came up with this idea, I will shackle them to the most painfully uncomfortable device ever invented, the airplane economy class seat, and force them, a la "Clockwork Orange", to watch a tape loop of Oprah apologizing for being fat for the rest of their miserable, useless life.

Doing theatre in an arena is like doing a rock concert in a dollhouse, like teaching The Hula Dance in The Antarctica, like wearing a mink coat to a P.E.T.A convention......wrong fucking venue. Once again, we have to cut so much of the show that it occurs to me that we used to be the cast of "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" but now we're just a bunch of people trying to tell a story that seems to be set nowhere in particular.

Of the many, beautiful backdrops that set the scenes for the show, we only have one available to us, along with our crystal curtain and another utility curtain that serves as the main curtain for the show. Except, wait! They don't drop gracefully to the stage because there is no fly system. They track on from the wings like living room drapes. The scene changes in this show can be loud on a real stage simply because everything is on wheels. On a temporary, hollow, plastic stage, held together with duct tape, the changes are deafening. In an apron scene with Brian, I am forced to stop talking because I can't hear myself. I look heavenward and through up my arms in a "What the fuck" gesture. Brian responds by yelling his line to me. We are, at the very least, entertaining ourselves.

The whole situation really comes into focus for me as I'm chatting with Duff in the boys dressing room (or, more truthfully, the curtained-off area behind stage left). I realize that he is leaning against one of our semi trailers. The just backed them right into the building and unloaded directly onto the stage. We are in an arena. And, yes, we did get our usual standing ovation from the audience at the end.

DIRTY ROTTEN PUEBLO, CO

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour....

I'm not sure how many times we've driven past/through/near Denver on this tour, but it's starting to feel/look very familiar. I've lost track of the number of times we've crossed back on ourselves. Here's a conversation I overheard during the show tonight. It pretty much sums up the state of mind one ends up in after doing so many one-nighters.

Michelle: Why the fuck is our bus call so early tomorrow morning? Where are we going?

Sarah: Casper, Wyoming.

Michelle: Have we been to Wyoming yet?

Sarah: Um.....yeah,......we left from Cheyenne, Wyoming this morning.

Michell: Excuse me, I have to go to the other side of the stage now.

Our show in Pueblo is at 5 pm. Yes, FIVE P.M. I can't tell you how wrong that is. Every fiber of my being is expressing it's outrage. A 5 pm show is even more hideous than those heinous 10 am student shows at Drayton. Five o'clock is only a curtain time if it's Christmas Eve and you're seeing The Nutcracker. Five o'clock is when you start dressing for dinner. Five o'clock is the time you pray for so that you can escape from the job you hate. Five o'clock is when you make martinis. Five o'clock is when you eat overcooked, mushy food if you live in a retirement community in Florida. Five o'clock is when any respectable Bohemian considers getting out of bed. Five o'clock is not now, nor will it ever be a proper curtain time.

Oh, and did I mention that we're in yet another venue that is too small to properly house this show? Sure we're used to it by now, but that still doesn't make it OK that half the show is in the parking lot and the ensemble has to change in a curtained off area in the basement.

The crew at this venue are unusually friendly and playful. It's a welcome change from the Luddites, mono brows and glassy-eyed ex-hippies that we often have to deal with. We are told of the theatre's haunted status and encouraged to go into the house and check out the blood stains on the curtain at the back of the audience. It seems that someone was murdered in a knife fight at the back of the house and, though the curtains go out for regular cleaning, and come back clean, the blood stains always return. Mike Donald and I go check it out, and there are indeed mysterious stains, possibly in the shape of a hand print or two.

Though it's nice to be back in the mountains, the elevation is kicking us (me) in the ass after spending so much time at sea level. All through the show I can barely catch my breath and want to just lie down. It reminds me of being in the Peruvian mountains. Thankfully, in spite of all my moaning and pessimistic predictions, the mostly elderly audience is very vocal and it's a good, solid show.

A few of us meet in the hotel lobby bar after the show. Everyone keeps asking if the whole menu is still available because we are so used to trying to get food out of a reluctant kitchen at 11 p.m. The problem with finishing a show this early is that there's way too much time to sit around drinking. Could make for an ugly departure at 7:30 a.m.

DIRTY ROTTEN CHEYENNE, WY

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

We are staying at the historic Plains Hotel in downtown Cheyenne. It's been sitting on this corner of the Wyoming prairie since 1911 and it really is a trip into the past. (Please click the link, it's worth it just for the welcome music) It's very easy to imagine the pioneers, ranchers and ladies of the day walking these halls 'cause very little has changed. There's even a hissing radiator at the end of the hall. My room is almost big enough for the king sized bed, small desk and armoire that holds the t.v. Though I don't think the bathroom is original, I'm positive the sink has been there since the 30's. Downtown Cheyenne is in about as much trouble as every other downtown in North America. You know it's bad when retail stores are closed on Saturdays. Most of the downtown is devoted to all things cowboy and I am drawn into a large and, apparently famous western wear store that has been around since 1943. I can't stop myself from buying a black and white cowboy shirt, complete with snaps instead of buttons. As I walk the streets I can't help but giggle at how kitchy all the western-y stuff is. It occurs to me that the locals probably don't think of it as kitchy all. The show is, well, ..... a show. Not great. Not terrible. Just a way for a vast number of people to kill a few hours together. We do, however, have to break out the oxygen tank again. We've spent the last little while traveling around The Gulf of Mexico, at sea level, and are suddenly at a much higher elevation. Even after my less than strenuous number I find that I am dizzy and breathless. Including a random pic. that Howard took of me, sitting outside during intermission in Corpus Christi.

DIRTY ROTTEN OKLAHOMA CITY, OK

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

(Photo of our SM calling the show in Waco)

OK, well, you can't win them all. Waco - ridiculously cramped space, wild audience. Oklahoma City - space enough to build an ark, mostly mute audience. The crowd is sparse and mostly elderly. There are a few scattered people who guffaw loudly through the show, but overall, they are a tepid crowd at best. Christy is nervous since her big number is basically a five minute extravaganza that takes the piss out of Oklahoma. e.g. "Not a tree or a Jew to block the lovely view", or "..and our leading cause of death is melanoma", these lyrics after she has said things like, "It's all so flat, and peaceful, and flat". As it turns out, this number is the big hit of the show, and Christy gets the big hoots and cheers of the curtain call. The weather channel does not speak highly of our travel plans. Snow, rain, floods, hail and ice are pounding the central plains of America. We stand a slim chance of avoiding it all only if our timing is perfect. Our route from Oklahoma City to Colby, KS, our stop for the night, might just work if we can keep ahead of the storm. We do hit some pretty nasty ice, blowing snow and a closed section of freeway, but we manage to get ahead of the storm and stick pretty close to our schedule. As we travel across the vast plains of Kansas, I let my mind wander as I watch the landscape fly by. You've seen it in countless movies, but the endless, slowly changing terrain takes on a different connotation when you've been watching it flow past your window for 5 months. It suddenly occurs to me that this is a supremely strange existence. I spend the whole day on a bus, watching the plains turn to coast line or mountains or swamp, foraging for anything that resembles actual food in a land of truck stops and indifferent hamlets. At some point in the afternoon, I get off the bus, spend a scant hour or two working out or doing life administration before boarding the bus again to be taken to the venue. Once there, I don clothes that have been worn by many before me in order to speak words that have been spoken by many before me in order to distract the mortals who inhabit the dark on the other side of the orchestra pit. When it's all over, the people in the dark express their appreciation by smacking their hands together and I go back to the hotel and prepare to sleep in order to do it all again the next day. How many people, in their childhood years, while dreaming of being astronauts or doctors consider this strange life as a means of making a living?

DIRTY ROTTEN WACO

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

We have known from the very first day of the tour that the venue at Waco would be a nightmare. Up to now, we have played two other memorably small and ill-equipped venues. Waco is much like the historic Georgian opera house we played in Springfield, MA, ...only smaller......with less wing space.

The Hippodrome in Waco was opened in 1914 as a Vaudeville house. It had a busy life that continued into the 40's and 50's when live theatre started losing it's appeal. By the 1970's, it had been running as a movie theatre for years and eventually closed down because it was in a state of disrepair. I can only assume that, at some point, some money was put into it to spruce it up again, though I have to wonder what money has been spent on it in recent years, in spite of it being on the National Registry of Historic Places. (N.B. We must be in Texas...there's a man riding a horse past my window as I write this.) The plaster from the ceiling is crumbling onto the audience, the paint on the proscenium has certainly seen better days and the linoleum in the dressing room bathrooms is so old (and grimy) that the pattern has been worn off in places. The dressing room area itself is underneath the stage and was never meant to house 18 people who wear 200 costumes. Half of that might even be too much since the entire space is the size of most master bedrooms. Oh, and did I mention that the dressing rooms smell like the ass end of a dead and decaying St. Bernard?

Then there's the stage. The stage. Well, it's small. Really small. How small is that? Due to space restrictions, we had to make some cuts to fit the show into the theatre....

-All the palm trees that create various settings in the first act? Cut
-The balcony railings that create various settings? Cut
-The stair unit that creates the Villa? Cut
-The hanging paintings and stained glass that complete the Villa? Cut
-The walls that make two tables and chairs look like a train car? Cut
-The downstage palette that glides various pieces of furniture onto the stage? Cut.
-The statue that is the ONLY piece of stage dressing for a long apron scene between K.K & I? Cut.
-The "escape" stairs that give the illusion of descending to the dungeon for the "Ruprecht" scene? Cut.
-The dungeon walls that set the scene for the "Ruprecht" number? Cut.
(This scene also features a toilet which, due to space restrictions and because it gets used only in the one scene, is used through the rest of the show as the seating for the Stage Manager as he calls the show from stage right.)
-The hotel chandelier? Cut.
-The "hiding palms" that conceal Brian & I as we eavesdrop on a conversation? Cut. (No, it wasn't awkward at all to stroll on stage and deliver our lines while pretending that Heather & Steve can't see us.)
-The hanging paintings that create The Music Room? Cut.

When all is said and done, there is more of the show outside, sitting in the parking lot, than there is on the stage.

All night long there are jokes being made about what will have to be cut due to space restrictions.
-The giant pinky-ring that Brian wears? Cut
-Anyone using too much oxygen? Cut
-My ego? Cut

Given the severe space restrictions in the wings, the amount of stuff crammed into that space and the number of cast and crew trying to operate around it all, it is a testament to everyone that no one was seriously injured. Although, there are a significant number of scrapes, bruises and near misses reported through the night.

As the overture begins, I remark to Brian that the audience had better be so starved for entertainment that they are delirious with excitement when the curtain goes up. And, lo and behold.....they are. They hoot, they stamp, they guffaw, they cheer. Duff comes back stage at intermission and says, "You guys have never BEEN so funny, You can do no wrong!" Does it make it worth it? Does it make it o.k? Not by a long-shot. But it does make it easier to take when an audience enjoys themselves that much.

While we may complain about trying to perform in this cramped space, a venue like this is hardest on our crew. We have two trucks that drive this show around. That's two, 53' trailers crammed full of set pieces, costumes, drops, cables, lights, speakers etc. etc. etc. In a venue like this, the crew spends a long, tiring day hauling all of it in, and out, and back in again as they try to figure out what is going to work best. (I would looooove to hear how it all works out when "The Drowsy Chaperon" tour gets to this space.)

Perhaps in celebration, perhaps due to the relief, perhaps just to help forget it all, it seems that EVERYONE goes to the bar after the show. Cast, crew, orchestra, both our truck drivers, both our bus drivers......even me, looking for a way to let go of the day.

DIRTY ROTTEN CORPUS CHRISTI, TX

|"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

Our hotel is right on the waterfront, not beach, but seawall walk. I luck into a room on the 17th floor with a balcony that faces the ocean (photo). Since it is that odd hour of day (3 p.m.) when restaurants simply can't decide if they can still call your meal "lunch", the places in the hotel have simply closed until 5 so as to rid themselves of the problem. Also, I am not particularly interested in combing through downtown Corpus Christi, which gets seamier and seamier the further away from the seawall you get. So....I decide to order room service and sit on my balcony, watching the pelicans, the yappy, black-faced gulls (actually called Laughing Gulls), the cranes and the giant oil tankers that cruise in and out of the bay. I order a Caesar Salad and a martini and drag my easy chair onto the balcony. Cost of turning the balcony into a private dining room for one? Well, let's just say that it's more than a lite lunch for two with wine.....and it's worth every penny.

The theatre is only a few blocks down the seawalk, so I leave early enough to take my time and enjoy the wind and water. Halfway there, I get a call from the stage manager. Apparently, the show is at 7:00, NOT 7:30, I laugh out loud at such a glaringly gigantic miscommunication going un-noticed by so many people for so long. Fortunately, does not have too many sparkly distractions and the cast has not scattered too far, so everyone makes it to the theatre in plenty of time.

Because Harlingen, TX has cancelled, we have a bonus day in Corpus Christi which means Michael and I can have a play day. Uncharacteristically, I leave the balcony door open for him when to we go sleep because he likes the air flow and morning sunlight. The sacrifice on my part is being woken by the gulls at first light, (Michael can sleep through a war) although the fact that I can open my eyes and see the ocean softens my crankiness. Our plan is to spend the day at the beach, but the wind coming in from the gulf makes is difficult. Walking down the seawalk we are, at times, forced to lean into the wind in order to not be blown over. Before we even reach the beach, we can see that most of it is being blown up onto the roadway. We decide to abort and head back to the hotel pool. Even on the pool deck, the wind is hard to take. At one point, eight deck loungers simultaneously slide five feet across the deck. It's like being in a scene from "Poltergeist". Still, we tough it out for a few hours, enjoying the warmth, the hot tub and the company.

The plan for the evening is to inhabit one of the local seafood restaurants for fresh oysters and other delectables from the sea.

DIRTY ROTTEN GALVESTON, TX

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

An eight a.m. bus, a flight from St. Louis, MO to Dallas TX, plane change, a flight to Houston TX and then a forty minute bus ride to Galveston TX. We arrive at the hotel after 4 p.m ....bus call to the theatre, 6:45. We are tired and more than a little cranky.

I visit the tragic mall across the street looking for some food. I am stunned as I walk past a huge store that specializes in prom dresses. No, I correct myself, they specialize in hideous prom dresses. It's difficult to describe how horrifyingly bad and monstrously ugly thesedresses are. Try to picture all the colours of a baboon's ass dressed with sequins, frills and layers of tulle. But it gets better...As I am leaving the mall with my Subway salad (the only food in the mall that didn't scare me) I encounter a puffy dress in action. It's on a teenager. It's royal blue. It's fluffier than a bridal gown and dotted with rhinestones. Accompanying the dress are 8 or 10 young men in Navy dress uniforms. The South lives.

The drive to the theatre is a long one because we can't stay on the since hurricane Ike wiped out all the hotels. Our drive reveals that there is still much the has to be rebuilt, repaired and recovered. We are told that the theatre we're performing in had to undergo extensive repair after the hurricane and we are only the second musical to be there since it's reopening. If you visit their website you can see some photos of this beautiful little jewel of a theatre and a power point presentation which shows the mess they had to clean up. The basement dressing rooms were totally submerged and are still being repaired so the naked cement floor, raw wood door frames and holes in the wall lend a post-apocalyptic feel to the place.

The problem with the theatre is that it wasn't built to house a show like "Dirty Rotten...". The orchestra pit no longer lowers, thanks to Ike, so our drummer is blocking people's view and cannot be inside his sound-proof booth. The wing space is dangerously cramped. There is no actual fly system but, rather, ropes tied to pipes, weighted with sand bags and hauled through pulleys. Totally old school. The worst thing is the sight lines. Because of the long, narrow seating style of the house, virtually everything that goes on back stage is totally visible to fully a third of the audience. No entrance can be a surprise, any set pieces waiting in the wings are visible, the props carts are fully visible. We are used to being able to hide in the dark and feel very exposed, like the audience is seeing us in our underwear....which they may have during quick changes.

None of this seems to matter to the crowd. The show goes as it should and they are on their feet at the end. As we gather at our bus after the show, the Executive Director (I think) of the theatre makes a point of raving about the show and says to me, "Thank you for being a part of our healing." Hearing that made the hellish travel day, the exhaustion and the strange performance space all seem a little easier to take.

DIRTY ROTTEN COLUMBIA, MO

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

We've played theatres that are short on wing space. We've played theatres that are short on dressing room space. We've played theatres that are, well...., primitive when it comes to backstage facilities. We've played theatres that have not and will not ever be properly equipped to deal with performers of any kind, or with shows that involve more than one back wall and sofa as the set. Rarely, however, have we played a theatre that wraps all of these dubious qualifications into one.

Most notable, here in Columbia, are the dressing rooms...there are two of them....and two only. There are 19 of us using two, not-so-large, arena-style dressing rooms. And in these primitive dressing rooms are the make up mirrors which were obviously purchased from a defunct fun house. They are made of some kind of really cheap, wildly warped acrylic which makes your face and body look like a Picasso painting. The reflection offered by these pseudo looking-glass plates is so untrue that the girls eventually give up trying to perfect their faces and the boys spend a good ten minutes looking at their full body reflections, giggling like 8 year olds. The bathrooms (there are only two, one for each gender) are down the hall and our company manager's office is a folding table in the paint shop/laundry room/pass-thru-to-the-orchestra-pit. There are lots of reasons to be in show biz. I'm in it for the glamour.

We have a day off here in Columbia, but we are stranded, yet again, on the outskirts of the city. Not that it really matters because even if one were feeling adventurous, there are very few options that come up if one googles "things to do in Columbia". It is a day for rest, relaxation, and organizing future projects. I wander around the nearby mall for as long as I can take the vapid, slack-jawed creatures who inhabit the place before retreating to the hotel.

Seven-thirty a.m. bus call in the morning. The injustice of it all is eased by the fact that we are flying to Galveston, Texas, on the Gulf of Mexico, where the temperatures are hovering in the 80's.

A view from elsewhere

I thought everyone might enjoy a view from the "other side", an entry from our TD, Jeff J.C.

Greetings Everyone,

I just thought I would take this opportunity to send a quick hello from “the road”. We continue to roll from state to state, working hard, laughing lots and giving our audiences one hell of a good show.

Everyday brings new adventures and new challenges. The strange things is, even though we have played in 43 different cities at this point, it doesn’t really matter to us “where” we happen to be. It’s just a name on the calendar. The other day I heard Kathryn (our Asst Carpenter) say to some of the local crew, “This may sound like a dumb question, but what city am I in?” As long as we know where our bus is in relation to the theatre, that’s all that matters. And a lot of the time that’s all we see, the loading dock, the local diner and the theatre.

From the crew’s point of view, Phil drives our bus through the night and we wake up outside the Stage Door. I usually get up first and talk to our truckers William and John (who are two of the best people you will ever want to meet). After a quick visit inside and some fast greetings with the local T.D., I go back on the bus and give the 20 minute wake up call. We gather outside and start to assess what kind of day we’re going to have: do they have a loading dock, does the local crew look like they know what they’re doing, how big is the stage, where are the power hook-ups, do we need to cut any set pieces, etc. etc.. At 8:00 the stuff starts rolling off the trucks and it’s “game on”. By the time we take our first coffee break I have usually hung all 17 drops, Kathryn has assembled all of the major set pieces, David has built and laid out the props, Sadie has mapped out the backstage, Alec and Justin have hung and cabled all four of the on-stage lighting pipes, Sara and Michael are setting up the dressing rooms and styling wigs, and Rob and Dan have the orchestra pit set up, the sound system in place and are ready to make noise. All by 10:00 in the morning. By noon, the stage is spiked, the FOH lighting is focused and we are down to little details and maintenance. After lunch we walk through the scene changes with the local crew, trying to teach them our show in about an hour, sound check as much as possible and finish focusing the rest of the lights. By 4:00 we are ready to do a show. Depending on their travel schedule, the cast usually arrives an hour before curtain to do a quick sound check. Before you know it, the show is done and we pack it all back up. Although our fastest time so far is 1 hour 33 minutes, we are usually done in about 2 hours. Then its back on the bus, have drink, laugh about the stupid things that happened that day and off to our bunks.

I cannot express enough how proud I am of our team. Not only are they extremely good at what they do, but they are the consummate professionals no matter what adversity we face. AND we’re having great time doing it together. Practically everyday someone on the local crew will say “y’all are so nice”. I don’t know what they’re used to, but they sure seem to enjoy us. They do look at as funny though when our head electrician runs the fly rail for the show and the head carpenter runs the lighting board and calls follow spots. We just say that’s how we roll at Drayton Entertainment.

Well, one show tonight in Wichita, KA then tomorrow it’s Columbia, MO, then down into Texas for a few days. Yee Ha!

I hope all is well back home. I’ll be thinking about you while I’m sipping a margarita on the beach in Corpus Christie.

Take care,

Jeff JC

Dirty Rotten Map

I may have posted this before, but for those of you who missed it.....here is the on line map that Mike Tracz created of all the places we have played.

DIRTY ROTTEN COLUMBIA, MO

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on tour...

We've played theatres that are short on wing space. We've played theatres that are short on dressing room space. We've played theatres that are, well...., primitive when it comes to backstage facilities. We've played theatres that are not and will not ever be properly equipped to deal with living performers of any kind, or with shows that involve more than one back wall and a sofa as the set. Rarely, however, have we played a theatre that wraps all of these dubious qualifications into one.

Most notable, here in Columbia, are the dressing rooms...there are two of them....and two only. There are 19 of us using two, not-so-large, arena-style dressing rooms. And in these primitive dressing rooms are the make up mirrors which were obviously purchased from a defunct fun house. They are made of some kind of really cheap, wildly warped acrylic which makes your face and body look like a Picasso painting. The reflection offered by these pseudo looking-glass plates is so untrue that the girls eventually give up trying to perfect their faces and the boys spend a good ten minutes looking at their full body reflections, giggling like 10 year olds. The bathrooms (there are only two, one for each gender) are down the hall, and our company manager's office is a folding table in the paint shop/laundry room/pass-thru-to-the-orchestra-pit. There are lots of reasons to be in show biz. I'm in it for the glamour.

We have a day off here in Columbia, but we are stranded, yet again, on the outskirts of the city. Not that it really matters because even if one were feeling adventurous, there are very few options that come up if one googles "things to do in Columbia". It is a day for rest, relaxation, and organizing future projects. I wander around the nearby mall for as long as I can take the vapid, slack-jawed creatures with ill-behaved, screaming sperm-consequence clinging to their limbs who inhabit the place before I retreat to the hotel.

Seven-thirty a.m. bus call in the morning. The injustice of it all is eased by the fact that we are flying to Galveston, Texas, on the Gulf of Mexico, where it is currently 80-something-degrees-Fahrenheit and our hotel is a short cab ride to the beach.