DIRTY ROTTEN SIOUX CITY

The Orpheum Theater in Sioux City is one of those grand old 1920's theatre's that fell to the rise of Hollywood and movies, was converted into a movie house, then into a double-cinema in the 70's, then restored to it's original glory by a dedicated citizens and philanthropists in the 90's. Lot's of red velvet seats & crystal chandeliers. The audience for our show is large (probably 1200 or so) and friendly. The backstage space virtually non-existent and we are, once again, cutting set pieces from the show.

We have a day off in Sioux City. Trying to find something to do in downtown Sioux City is like trying to find something to do on your Grandparents' farm......in February.......when you're 14. There is nothing. Well, some buildings, some sports bars, the theatre where we played, but really,.......nothing. I run across several of the company doing exactly what I am doing, ....wandering the streets in the hope of finding some kind of diversion.....to no avail. There is a 14plex cinema a block from the hotel, but I am uninterested in most of what is playing. I end up going to see "Benjamin Button" because it's long and will eat up some time.

DIRTY ROTTEN LINCOLN

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - The Musical" On Tour...

I take back everything I ever said about Nebraska. Did I ever say anything about Nebraska? Oh, then never mind. If you've driven through Saskatchewan, you've driven through the American Midwest. I find myself raising my head from my book to be greeted with the exact same visuals I had looked at 30 minutes ago. This starts to feel like I am in a chase sequence from a cartoon with the same backdrop going past the screen over and over again. The effect it has is to momentarily give me the sense that I am floating in time and space, having no clue where in the country I might be and, worse, no idea where I'm going to. (I am reminded of a trip I took years ago to perform at an all-gay camping weekend in Ravenscrag, Saskatchewan with Stage-manager-extraordinaire Donna Sharpe. To entertain each other we would, at random intervals, shout out, "Look! Absolutely nothing!!")

My fears about The Cornholer....er, Cornhusker, prove unfounded. It is actually a Marriott and is a very nice hotel. I splurge on room service and order what turns out to be a $15.00 spinach salad, but it is a delicious creation with strawberries, oranges and almonds and worth every penny, especially given that I eat it in my robe without having to go outside and forage for food. There is a female basketball team staying at the hotel. Howard, our 6'6" drummer meets his female doppelganger who (at 6'5") turns out to be from Regina.

DIRTY ROTTEN DENVER

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels-The Musical" on tour...

We arrive in Denver as scheduled, 5:30 p.m. and check in to our sassy accommodation, The Curtis. Do visit the website, this place is a hoot, and extremely well run with every detail covered.

Turns out that Michael and the crew are in Denver as well, (though their bus is parked nearer the outskirts) so he is able to get a taxi downtown to join us for dinner. We meet up with Jillian for a martini in the hotel bar then totter around the corner to Rioja for some fantastic food and drink, including a delicious bottle of sparkling wine from Albuquerque....who knew?
Michael takes advantage of the sexy shower in my sassy hotel room before heading back to his bus, which will be departing by midnight or so to drive through the night. I find myself, once again, drunk and exhausted. Damned elevation.

I awaken at 3 a.m. and am unable to return to sleep, or so it seems, because I must have slept in order to have the bizarre dreams that are so vividly remembered. In one, I awaken to find the furniture in my hotel room moved around and my laptop smashed to bits. I catch the 3 culprits rummaging through the cupboards in my kitchen which,in awake-land is actually my bathroom. In another dream, I am an Irish terrorist transporting truckloads of nails and buckshot for bombs. We are pulled over by the police but saved from a search and arrest because a passing jet drops an engine onto the centre of town and all hell breaks loose. We turn over a picnic table and use it like a sled to get to the center of town which, fortunately, is downhill all the way.

Let this be a lesson to you kiddies.....eat early.

Today we drive to Lincoln Nebraska where we will be staying at ......wait for it......The Cornhusker. Is it just me or there an obvious play on words there waiting to be exploited?

DIRTY ROTTEN FARMINGTON

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - The Musical" on tour...

Though we have done earlier load/leave times, the 9:30 a.m. departure seems harder than it should. Still, the mood on the bus is raucous as the kids re-live their evening out on the town of Colorado Springs. Eventually, things settle down as the sleep deprived nod off one by one and we are treated to hours of spectacular scenery as we climb to 9,400 feet to the mountain pass.

We stop for a meal break in some place that I can't remember, some blip on the highway. I have the following conversation with a perky local:
HER: Where y'all headed today?
ME: Farmington.
HER: Why?
ME: We are performing there tonight.
HER: WHERE?
ME: I'm not sure.
HER: Well, you won't find much there, hon. We only go to Farmington if we have to.

Back on the bus the Stage Manager and Choreographer stroll up and down the centre aisle giving people the changes that will have to be made for the show since we are in another tiny space with no fly tower and no wing space.....nothing we haven't faced before.

The crowd is small, well, tiny for what we're used to....I'd estimate 400 hundred people, but the space doesn't hold much more than that. They are a party audience and it's clear that they've come to have a good time....and they DO.

At one point during the show, Gabe asks one of our dressers how long the drive is to get to Albuquerque. The dresser stretches his arms up, clasps his fingers behind his head, languidly drawls,"That should take you about 4 hours', then nonchalantly, apologetically lets out a luxurious fart....and keeps talking. Gabe is dumb-struck. Galen flees from the room.

I believe many of the company are now in the sports bar downstairs because it's Karaoke night. I've said it before and I'll say it again, "I sing for a living, I'm certainly not doing it for free in a bar for a bunch of drunken yobs."

DIRTY ROTTEN COLORADO SPRINGS

"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - The Musical" on tour...

Practically the entire company spends the day off wandering around downtown Boise. There's little else to do but shop, poke through the galleries, drink, eat and see movies.

I take myself to see "Slumdog Millionaire" at what is possibly the greatest movie theatre ever. A little privately run art-house place with a patio for outdoor snacks in the summer. There are 4 cinemas, a video rental store and the snack counter. Forget everything you know about snack counters. Here is an overheard order from The Flicks snack counter...."I'll have the popcorn with butter, a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale and .....oh....um....the tuna burger." Wines available by the glass, sandwiches of every description......and I can only wonder why this little place can give me an experience like this, and mega-corps like cineplex are still charging me $12.00 for greasy popcorn. Oh, and the admission price.....$6.50.

The morning comes too early. There is much crustiness as we are faced with another early morning airport. Sarah admits to a full-on rage attack when charged $15.00 for checking a bag. We fly to Denver and make a connection to Colorado Springs. Denver and Colorado Springs are so close together that we are in the air for 16 minutes. The landing is interesting. As the wheels are about to touch the ground, the plane suddenly takes off into the air again. The pilot voice nonchalantly explains that there was another plane blocking the runway, but everything is fine now, so we'll try again.

The hotel in Colorado Springs is less than desirable but the mountains are at our doorstep so we grin and bear it. Half way through the first act, none of us can figure out why we are so out of breath on stage until someone points out that we are over 6,000 feet above sea level. We soldier on, still out of breath but not feeling as old. The audience doesn't seem to notice. They are amazing and raucous throughout the show. I go out for a drink with my friend Jillian who has come from Denver to see the show. I have 2 martinis and am completely plastered. Michael has one and feels the effects as well. The next night the altitude has taken it's toll on us and we are all exhausted. Several of us avail ourselves of the oxygen tank and by intermission we are all feeling great.

DIRTY ROTTEN BOISE

The "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" National Tour 2008/2009

There is no shortage of "hurry" as we are all more than happy to see Lovelock fading in the distance behind us. The drive through the mountains of Nevada for the next few hours is amazing and beautiful. Endless vistas of tumbleweeds trapped against barbed wire fences with snow capped mountains lining the route on either side of the highway. The odd farm or pasture dotted with cattle. We stop in a little sparrow-fart on the map called Jordan Valley. Most everything is closed, for sale or rent. At one time it may have been a lively place because of the goldrush, but now it is almost a ghost town, kept alive by ranchers. I walk into the "hardware" store (which has a poster in the window advertising $1,000.00 reward for cattle rustlers.....no fooling) and the old girls at the counter don't even look up from the afternoon gossip as I pass by. It is clear that this is more than just hardware, this is the local mercantile. There are a few non-perishable groceries, giagantic supplies of dog food, horse shoes of all sizes, bridles and halters, used paperback novels and some very interesting cowhide and leather throw cushions made by someone named Polly. I almost buy one for the kitch value.

Our arrival in Boise is uneventful, as are our three performances here. The audiences are nice, and so are we. Boise has a kind of relaxed, anti-hustle/bustle feel to it and the downtown area is quite beautiful. Our hotel is an amazing construct, a new concept by Marriott called Towne Place Suites. Each of our rooms is a bit like a bachelor apartment. King size bed, sofa, easy chair, work area with internet and office chair, flat screen tv, and a full kitchen. This is not your usual give-them-a-microwave-and-call-it-a-kitchen kitchen. There is a full size fridge, a dishwasher, microwave, coffee pot, toaster, a set of dishes and cutlery, pots and pans, the works. What I love about the place is that someone actually thought about how it's going to be used and really covered the details. In the large closet in the bathroom, there is a laundry basket since they have a laundrymat on site downstairs. The office/work area has corner shelves for organization. In the kitchen they've even thought of details like pot holders, corkscrew and colander. Colour me impressed.

It's Gabriel's birthday this weekend. The children went to a club somewhere last night and are planning on going to play paintball this afternoon. Just for the entertainment, I may go down to the lobby to see how many of them actually drag their hung-over asses out of bed for the paintball excursion.

Two full days off here in Boise before we fly out to Colorado on Tuesday morning.

DIRTY ROTTEN LOVELOCK

The national tour of "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"

It's true that Fresno was cold. It's true that downtown was a desolate, post-nuclear waste land. It's true that we were warned not to walk alone at night. But all of that is forgiven in light of the fact that Fresno provided us with two of the best audiences we've had on the tour yet. After our first show, we didn't think there was any way that our second night audience could compare, but we were wrong. They laughed. They hooted. They broke into spontaneous applause and they leapt to their feet. It was an auspicious beginning for our second leg, especially when you consider that we had an understudy on in a lead role for both shows.

The morning brings us the first glimmer of sunshine we've seen in California. It is a weak, coppery sun that offers no warmth, but we drink it in. Except, of course, for those that stayed up waaay too late and drank waaay to much with our director last night. Those vampire-like creatures stumble onto the bus, reeking of alcohol, eyes shielded from the light, skin glowing an un-natural yellow.

Our company manager lets us know that we will be going through the famous Donner Pass on our journey today (Yes, it's named after the wagon-train party that got stranded there and ate each other). He speaks excitedly about the extraordinary elevations we'll be reaching, forgetting that we are Canadian. When you grow up skiing Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies all you can think about The Donner Pass is....."It's LIKE a mountain, only smaller". Still, the scenery is beautiful. We stop in a place called Carfax for lunch. The air is crisp and fresh. All is peaceful, green and serene. It reminds me of Canmore.

We quickly descend into the Nevada side of the mountains and the sunset is stunning. We arrive at our destination, our lodging for the evening, Sturgeon's Motel and Casino in Lovelock, Nevada. Lovelock, a drop of arm-pit sweat in the middle of nowhere. The scrolling sign outside the hotel proclaims, "WELCOME HUNTERS". We are in another world.

The casino is virtually empty. I order an Absolut on the rocks and am hardly surprised by my first taste. I drink enough vodka to know that it isn't really Absolut, or that it has been watered down. There are two poker tables, but no dealers. There are plenty of slot machines and video poker, but they are all penny or nickel machines.....hardly gambling. You know how some people say that gambling is just throwing away your money? Well, I've ACTUALLY thrown away more money than I could lose playing penny slots! I decide to retreat to my room and vegetate.

Clearly, we have become a group spoiled by Doubletree and Radisson as we all cringe upon entering our rooms. In reality, this is exactly the kind of place that most of us would stay in to save money. As I kneel at the bathroom sink to brush my teeth, I'm impressed at how considerate they were to build the counters low enough for people in wheel chairs. The next morning, I hear that very few people had any hot water for showers and Sarah tells me that, when the train went by in the night, her bed shook.

DIRTY ROTTEN FRESNO

The hotel we are staying at is one of those multi-storied, open atrium affairs. Think of the scene in Mel Brook's "High Anxiety", shot in the San Francisco Hyatt Regency and you'll get the picture. There is currently a convention of bee keepers staying at the hotel (though officially they are The Honey Producers of America). I strike up a conversation with one of them while waiting for a cab. I mention that I'm a big supporter of local honey and have good access to it living in Southern Ontario. He assumes I am from Australia. Must be my accent.

The theatre is right across the street from the hotel...the only reason I can think of to be staying in downtown Fresno. (Three nice things I can say about downtown Fresno: There are palm trees. The Radisson has good beds. There are palm trees.) Though the auditorium itself is a bit lacking in personality, the dressing rooms are deluxe and the green room has two super-duper-deluxe massage chairs that the cast keeps fighting over. These are not your 'as seen on TV' crap chairs that they demonstrate at home fairs. These are gigantic black leather affairs worth thousands of dollars that squeeze your arms and legs, kneed and pound every part of your back and thighs and talk to you via the giant control panel that allows you to customize your massage experience.

Keely does indeed end up going on for Heather (one of the lead roles) and does a really terrific job. The audience is probably one of the best we've ever had and is right there with us from the very first syllable. It is a great way to start this next leg of the tour and the lobby lounge is full of noise and celebration after the show. I suspect that several of the boys continued their celebrating well into the morning by joining the poker at the 'card room' around the corner from the hotel.

Oh, and just in case you are experiencing any jealously at all that we are in California, let it go. True, there is no snow, but I have yet to take my coat off and I could see my breath as we left the theatre last night. It is grey, wet and cold.

DIRTY ROTTEN FIRST DAY BACK

Michael and I spend the night in Toronto for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that it is actually cheaper for us to get a hotel and airport direct transport than it is to get both of us to the airport from Niagara at crack-of-my-ass-o'clock in the morning.

The airport, at 5:30 a.m. is a 3 ring circus. Although our flights (Michael is on a different one that me) are through United Airlines, the plane is an Air Canada flight....bottom line is we get the run-around from both companies because no one knows where we should check in. (This lack of communication and direction eventually causes two of the cast members to miss their flight completely and end up spending the night in Las Vegas).

Michael heads off to his gate. I do the same (after much negotiation with airline personnel). The cast starts to dribble in. Because we are going to a very small airport in Fresno, we are all split onto 5 or 6 different flights, leaving at different times during the day and connecting through different cities. The rest of the cast on my flight begins to arrive. We find out that we are delayed by 60 minutes....it is only 8:30 a.m. and I have been up for 4 hours.

We finally leave Toronto on what is, apparently, the "Family Day" flight. Anyone who thinks that we're in a recession should take a flight somewhere. How short of money can you be if you can travel with your 3 or 4 children in tow. There are at least 10 families, all of them large, on the plane. Few of us are able to sleep.

Our connection is through Las Vegas. As we are an hour behind schedule, we have to hustle to get to the other terminal at Vegas airport, only to find that our departure from that gate is also delayed. When our plane does arrive, I am forced to point and laugh. It is a twin prop. tuna can with wings, holding perhaps 20 people. Our Stage Manager pales.

Regardless of how you feel about flying in small planes, (Heather kept clutching me arm every time we banked) there is no better way to view the beautiful Sierra Nevada Mountains. We are stunned at the spectacular views.

We arrive at Fresno and are forced to endure another delay, this one spent filling our forms because none of our luggage made it on to the plane and is still in Las Vegas. By the time we arrive at the hotel, I have been awake and travelling for 12 hours and proceed directly to the lobby lounge without even going to my room. Of course, there's no need to go to the room when one has no luggage. We hear several rumours about possible arrival times for our bags, none of them true. They finally arrive around 10 a.m. the next morning. The hotel doesn't bother to call anyone to let them know, they just stow the bags with the bellman and wait for us to call, one by one.

We hear that Heather has put her neck out at some point during the night and won't be doing the show, so we are in understudy mode. Fortunately, there is a 4 hour rehearsal call that was already scheduled simply because we've had 3 weeks off.

I guess you could say we're back on the road.....with a vengeance.

The adventure continues.

Dirty Rotten Naples Plus

I hadn't planned on making another entry for this leg of the tour, but this is too good to pass up.

There is a lot of money here and that is reflected in the shops we pass on the way to the theatre. It seems that all anybody ever does is redecorate their homes since there's a furniture or home accessories store every 200 yards. There is also a very high end shopping mall anchored by a large Saks Fifth Avenue. So imagine our delight as we pass a store that boldly stands out by proclaiming it's name in huge letters.....
"NOT JUST FUTONS AND BARSTOOLS". Not kidding. Not even a little bit.

DIRTY ROTTEN NAPLES

Or as I've taken to calling it, Nipples, Florida.....sunshine state my ass!!! Well, ok the sun IS shining but it's not really short pants weather. When one drives through miles and miles of orange groves and palm trees, one expects warm ocean breezes.

As soon as we arrive at the hotel, I dump my stuff and head toward the beach. I'm told it's about a 20 minute walk which is fine with me after sitting on a bus for days. I pass many, many large and expensive homes and condo units. Luxury cars and boats parked in the shade of waving palms. I eventually reach a public access point that allows me past the condo units to the beach which, I discover to my delight, is deserted. It's very, very windy and the surf is pounding in. I can feel the salt spray on my face and I park my ass on the soft white sand to enjoy the salt facial. After sitting for about 20 minutes and enjoying the solitude, I realize that I can barely see out of my glasses any more because they're covered with salt.

Our show is a quiet one, though I do have a Mr. Bean moment which causes me to crack myself up. In my scene with K.K., I lean back on the hotel desk and accidentally hit the little bell, which surprises me and causes me to reach around to silence it, which causes me to knock the phone off of it's cradle, which causes me to look like an inept juggler for the next few minutes as I try to put everything right. I am also trying to suppress the giggles. Throughout all of this, K.K. watches me with an expression that says, "I'm not at all sure what you're doing. Are you going to say your line any time soon?".

Today is our last day for this leg of the tour. We do an understudy rehearsal this afternoon, a show tonight and then we fly home tomorrow for the Christmas break.

Dirty Rotten Editing

Clearly I've been doing my part to help keep telecommunication companies in business. It seems that someone from Paducah read my blog and was offended by it. Telephone calls have been burning across borders ever since.

The purpose of my blog has always been to entertain. Stimulate, yes. Engage, sure. Titillate, perhaps. Enlighten, enliven and encourage conversation....absolutely. But the primary reason the blog exists is to entertain people by sending tiny little bits and bytes of me and my crazy life out into cyberspace so that those in my life, and the people in their circles don't seem so far away.

None the less, in the interest of international peace & goodwill (it is Christmas after all), in the interest of international commerce (the economy being what it is), in the interest of the greater good and proving that we humans might be able to prove our self-professed superior intellect if we keep trying, I have graciously decided to edit the chapter in question.

In the interest of authenticity, however, I decided to leave my spelling and grammatical errors intact.

Dirty Rotten Tallahassee

So the thing about KY restaurants not serving liquor on Sundays turns out to be not true. We now begin to wonder if the helpful local crew member who whipped us into a frenzy with horror stories of dry Kentucky on a Sunday is having a good laugh with her quilting group. It's true that you can't buy it, but restaurants can serve it as many of the company find as the day progresses.

Another day of travel mayhem looms ahead of as I try to run away from reality by slapping the snooze button on my 6 a.m. alarm. We load the bus and depart the hotel by 7 a.m. heading for Nashville to catch a 10:50 a.m. flight. Ten or so minutes of driving on the interstate and we have to turn around. Keely has left her purse (and therefore, her passport) in the breakfast room. The real comedy here is the fact that moments before we departed, Jessica brought the purse onboard, thinking that it belonged to Karen Kay. When Karen Kay said that it was not hers, Jessica returned the purse to the breakfast room where she found it.

En route to Nashsville airport we encounter a serious traffic slow down due to an accident. This slow down, combined with our unscheduled return to the hotel puts us in jeopardy of missing our flight. Suddenly, everything turns into a military operation as we figure out the best way to stream line our check-in and departure. Our airline reservations have been made in groups of four, so we are divided into those groups, one person in each group responsible for checking-in and printing the boarding passes of the other 3. We are STRONGLY ENCOURAGED to leave every possible bit of baggage on the bus since it will arrive in Tallahasee by the time we finish the show. This will keep us from being held up by checking and paying for stowed luggage. (Currently, I have nothing with me but my purse, my laptop and some contact lenses. I am hoping that the bus gets here before our reception after the show so that I can at least change my shirt.) We blow through the airport like a force to be reckoned with and arrive at the departure gate with time enough to buy a coffee and/or muffin. We should have had the soundtrack from an "Indiana Jones" movie playing during our assault on the terminal.

We arrive, an hour later, in Atlanta to make our connection to Tallahasee......and disaster strikes. The flight has been over-sold and four of our cast may have to wait for the next flight. The rest of us board and cross our fingers. Three of the missing four board the plane, (thanks to volunteers who are willing to take a later flight) but Melanie is left behind in Atlanta. Tyler will now have to drop us off at the hotel and then return to airport to await her arrival. Tyler shows no visible signs of stress except for his hair that grows taller and fluffier as he continues to run his hands through it.

Tallahasee is another arena show, like the one in London. No ice this time, but the same otherwise. The p0st-show reception is no small affair. They have laid out a spread for us and their subscribers that includes a seafood buffet, roast beef, roast turkey, and coffee & liqueur bar.....you name it. One of the subscribers tells me that this is the bonus for having to play in an arena and that a performing arts center in the works. The bus has not arrived as we thought it would so those of us who left everything on it earlier in the day now look conspiculously under-dressed and under-shaven for a "do" of this calibre.

The view of Tallahasee from my 14th floor hotel room is stunning. It seems as though this little city was just dropped into the midst of a forest, greenery stretching off to the horizon.

DIRTY ROTTEN PADUCAH ky

The theatre is beautiful and the community is quite proud of it. It cost 50 million, 20 of with the government gave them and they fund-raised the rest. We've played to about 1,200 people each night and they loved the show.

We averted a near disaster last night. Today is our day off, which means we are spending it here in Paducah. One of the local crew happened to overhear us talking about the things we wanted to do and informed us that, not only can you not buy liquor in Kentucky on a Sunday, RESTAURANTS CANNOT SERVE IT EITHER !!!!!!!!!!! We knew we were in the bible belt but COME ON. It reminds me of the bad old days in Alberta when your food bill had to be higher than your liquor bill in order to appease the Churchies. We informed our company manager that if he wanted to avoid a mutiny, the bus would make a stop at the liquor store on the way back to the hotel so that we could have cocktails on our day off. I'm sure the employees at the liquor store are still talking about the night that 20 crazy people stormed the store. It's even possible that a sign has gone up that says, "No more than 5 actors at a time."

Tomorrow will be another long day as we have to leave the hotel at 6 a.m. to drive to Nashville in order to fly to Tallahassee FL....then do a show that night. At least it will be warmers.

Photos of Michael and Sarah in and out of their crew bus.

Dirty Rotten Ames

An uneventful trip from Minneapolis to Ames Iowa. There is more grumbling and outbursts as we arrive at the hotel to find that, once again, the info. sheets are a lie and there are no actual restaurants within walking distance. Our company manager is, once again, on the phone screaming at people. Who needs t.v. when we can just push the company manager's buttons and watch him go.

The theatre is on the campus of Iowa State University and it is HUGE!!!! No, I mean really, truly, gargantuan. We've played theatres that hold 2500 people before, but something about the design of this one makes the space particularly cavernous. The main floor holds 1700 and playing to the back row is like playing to the other end of a football field. There are three balconies and the top one is high enough that you could base jump from it. Obviously, we're a big attraction as the main floor is mostly full and there are a good number of seats sold on the first level balcony and loges. Steve and I, in an effort to articulate, give the orchestra a 2 hour spit-shower. It's like playing the coliseum in Rome.

Upon returning to the hotel, any restaurant that will deliver does a hefty business as the post-show hunger sets in.

Another day of traveling as we begin making our way to Paducah KY. (Come on, say it out loud. It's fun. Paducah!) Today we will get half-way there, spending the night in Champaign IL. When do we get to the warm states again?

DIRTY ROTTEN MINNEAPOLIS

After hours of driving through endless evergreen forest on a two-lane highway (shades of my childhood in Northern Manitoba) we finally reach the interstate and begin to re-emerge into civilization.

While unpacking the night before, I realize that I have left the power cord for my laptop in the hotel in London. This stresses me a lot because not only can I not charge or use my laptop, but my mp3 player also needs to be charged from the laptop. Translation: I've just lost 80% of my bus-ride entertainment. We stop for a meal break in Hayward WI, a pimple with a grain elevator in the middle of nowhere, and I spy a tiny shack with a sign that says, " GADGETS - computer sales & service". I figure it's a long-shot, but worth a try. To my major astonishment, they have a choice of 2 power cords for me to buy! Clearly it was meant to be. (The housekeepers in London have since been in touch and are mailing my old power cord to my house.)

As we near Minneapolis, the children are all planning what kind of exciting "things" they're going to do on our night in the big city. Though I really enjoy my cast, I don't need to spend 24 hours a day with them, and I picture myself , alone, in a civilized martini bar somewhere, watching the world and enjoying the sensation of NOT moving. A short walk from the hotel finds me exactly what I'm dreaming of. Lots of teak, a long bar, black leather on the stools. I stand out from the after-work-business crowd, but the detailed way in which I order my martini earns me an almost audible murmer of acceptance. I begin to understand how right I was to let my nose lead me to this place...there is a line of martini glasses chilling with ice cubes behind the bar, a squeeze bottle of olive juice in the fridge and the bartender asks me how cold I prefer my martinis !!!! The shoppers shop, the music muses, the business crowd bizes....all is well in my world.

On the way back to the hotel I stop at MASA, an upscale Mexican restauraunt because I notice that they do take out. I order 3 chicken tacos (the authentic soft kind, not the Americanized crunchy kind)and take them back to my room. I am floored by how delicious they are. Best Mexican food I've had outside of Mexico !!!

N.B.
Downtown Minneapolis is very much like downtown Calgary, but with people.

The bed in my suite is so huge I have to roll over three times to be able to read the time on the alarm clock. I laugh out loud and drift away.

Dirty Rotten Blizzard

The matinee in London reaches it's conclusion without incident. It is a smaller, quieter crowd - Sunday afternoon with Granny.

Our plan is to get directly on the bus and begin our lengthy trek to Houghton MI. It's so remote that we'll have to do it in 2 installments, aiming to end the first part by over-nighting in Gaylord MI. As we leave London and head toward the Sarnia border crossing, the snow has already started to fall and continues to get heavier as we drive. We manage to make it across the border fairly quickly and easily. (We hear later that the crew gets hassled by a dickhead with an inflated sense of self-importance who eventually (and inexplicably) charges them all $6.00 and lets them continue.

We stop for a meal break at a Cracker Barrell restaurant/country store which is the ultimate in fake country/homey kitsch. But the fire is real the biscuits are hot. We watch the snow continue to pile up on the rocking chairs outside the windows.

Driving on, the road conditions get worse and worse and the bus goes slower and slower. We realize that our ETA is getting later and later. Drinking begins. Our stage manager realizes that it's probably not the best time to try to enforce the alcohol rules at this point. We eventually reach our hotel in Gaylord at 2 a.m., tired, grumpy and more that a little tipsy. We wake up the entire hotel on our way to our rooms. Though I am only in the room for 6 hours, I make a mental note to ask the rest of the cast if their rooms are decorated with photos of Neuschwanstein, the castle from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The morning comes too soon as we load the bus at 10 a.m to continue. Though the snow has let up, the roads are still covered and there are many phone calls being made as to the fate of tonight's show. The producers insist that we try to make it there, even though the trucks and crew will not arrive in time to do a complete set up. It is decided that we will do a 'bare-bone's version of the show, eliminating large set pieces, back drops and even some costumes. Our ETA is 6:15 for a 7:30 show. Our joy at doing yet another 'version' of the show can only matched by our ecstasy at the thought of spending another 8 hour day on the bus tomorrow. Fortunately, we have all purchased ligour from the gas station.
We arrive at the hotel at 6:20 for what is supposed to be a 7:30 show. We are given 30 minutes to shower/shave/pray/vomit and tole that the curtain will be held for as long as it takes for us to do a sound check and safety-spacing rehearsal. The show starts at 8:02 and the crowd goes wild.

Dirty Rotten London

We arrive in London in plenty of time to do a little life administration. I make use of the free time to find a haircut and visit the market.

On the bus, there has been much discussion as to whether our show is at 7:30 or 8:00. This uncertainty apparently arises from the fact that we still don't have a signed contract from this venue. While I can understand how this might account for the lack of information, I wonder aloud if anyone has thought of contacting the box office by phone or on line. I'm certain that the people who are purchasing tickets will have a time printed on them. This idea is met with a why-don't-you-go-be-a-smarty-pants-somewhere-else glare.

As it turns out, the showtime is 8:00, so we arrive at the "theatre" with time enough to have a meeting about the newest wrinkle in our lives. Canadian Actors' Equity, in it's infinite wisdom, has decided that, under the terms of The Canadian Theatre Agreement, it is illegal for us to do a spacing rehearsal and/or sound check before our half-hour call. They consider this a proper rehearsal which can only take place provided that there is a minimum of 90 minutes break before the half-hour call. It doesn't take a team from MENSA to figure out that this is virtually impossible with the kind of schedule we're working on. The spacing is not so much of a problem. The sound check is....but I'll get to that.

The reason "theatre" is in quotes is because we are playing the John Labatt centre. This is where people go to see hockey games and rock concerts. It's an area. An ice rink, not a theatre, in spite of the fact that they sell a "broadway series" out of this venue. Take one large hockey arena, add a portable, raised stage and a mountain of black masking draps. Section off one quarter of the arena at one of the round ends and place the stage on the ice that has been covered with a layer of insulation. The sectioned off 1/4 becomes the "theatre" and the remaining 3/4 of the arena becomes "backstage".

Given the "no sound check" rule, the first half of the show is a nightmare as mics explode with squeaks, pops, bangs, screeches and howls....that is, when they're working at all. The orchestra, as well as a significant portion of the audience, are freezing because, even though the ice has been covered, the cold still seeps up through the insulation into one's feet/legs. The temporary stage is hollow underneath so the sound of huge set pieces being rolled on and off is deafening. I start a rumour that Disney and Columbia Artists have begun negotiation for "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels On Ice", to do a tour of arenas around the country next year.

Still, the show goes well yet again. I am very surprised that when Christy sings the lyrics "Watch me blow the little fuckers heads right off" she gets a huge laugh. Not the kind of response one expects from uptight, middle class London.

We drink, knowing that we have to do it all over again for today's matinee before getting on a bus and traveling to a place called Gaylord, Michigan.

Dirty Rotten Hamilton - The Dirty Rotten Scoundrels National Tour

Ah yes......Hamilton. It's kind of a double edged sword to be here. We're happy to be back in Canada for a few days, but we're stuck here in polluted, piss-stained Hamilton until we leave for London on Saturday. Ah well, the theatre is nice and the shows are selling well.

Yesterday....
We wake in Roanoke VA and board our bus at 4:30 a.m. to begin the 3 hour drive to the airport in Charlotte NC. Most of us manage to sleep the whole way. It is THE MOST traveled day of they year (thanks to American Thanksgiving) and the airport is already swarming with people, but there is plenty of staff everywhere and things go very smoothly. Some of us are introduced to a new tool in America's on-going efforts to fool itself into a sense of security with it's security theatrics. It's a bit like a glaucoma test for your whole body. Little puffs or air are blown at you and any chemicals present on your body are lifted off and read by sensors as they float in the air. Only random people are subjected to this however so, ......security theatrics.

The flight is uneventful. We land in Toronto around 11:30 and clear customs without incident. We are notified at this point, however, that the crew bus and the trucks carrying the show have not crossed the border yet. We begin making plans to do a 'concert version' of the show. We check into the hotel in Hamilton and stumble onto the street among the crack-whores to try to find food. The hotel is right across the street from the theatre so we notice that the crew bus has arrived (1:30). This give us hope. Some food, some shopping, a cocktail, a nap, a shower and it's time to get to the theatre for the 6:30 call. We arrive to discover that the show is pretty much ready to go. The crew has performed a Herculean task by unloading and setting up two, fully loaded semi's in 4 hours. We are stunned.

This afternoon we, that is all of us who are understudying someone else, are called to do an understudy run of the show. Then another performance tonight. Then a well deserved day off tomorrow. Maybe we can join the unemployed and uninterested at the bingo palace down the street?

Also, as of this posting, I will start putting these entries on my blog so that anyone can read them.
www.actorinexile.blogspot.com

Drone Of Arc

I have been actively enjoying live theatre for more than twenty years. In that time I have walked out of 3 plays, the third being last night, Shaw's "St. Joan" at The Shaw Festival. I have always, always believed that even a bad play is better than what Hollywood thinks is a good movie, and can usually find some reason to stay in my seat. Why, I sat through four and a half hours of Shaw's "Heartbreak House", challenged, confused, bored at times, mystified at times, but the production fed me enough to keep me going. Last night's production fed me nothing and by intermission I was suffering severe malnutrition. Where have all the directors gone?

If an actor falls in the forest...

My posts have grown fewer and fewer over the past year or so. Symptomatic, I think, of my loss of interest in the business at large.

I recently made the decision to take a big step away from acting for an un-defined period of time. And these are the reasons why:

• I'm tired of the new acting style that everyone seems to be in love with, where there's a lot of raging around, 'dancing your pain' and chewing the scenery, but very little truth, subtlety or detail

I'm tired of seeing people who are far, far less talented than I get the roles because they are either in 'the circle' or because they have been tossed up the charts as the next big flavour of the month.

• I'm tired of charlatans and snake-oil salesmen getting hired as artistic directors. They seem very good at bamboozling a board and talking a good game but ultimately mis-lead and mis-represent the acting community and the public they're supposed to be serving.
• I'm tired of an apathetic public that would rather see 98% of their movie dollar go to America than see 99% of their live theatre dollar stay in Canada.
• I'm tired of the lack of interest from government.
• I'm tired of putting my dreams and plans on hold as I take the jobs that keep me on the road.

Let me assure you that, though all of this could be read with a heart-breaking symphony in the background and self-pitying vocal waver, that is not the case. I am simply tired of many aspects of it. As I've said to many friends, "I still really like my job, I'm just not finding that my job is liking me very much these days."

The point being, though I will leave Actor in Exile posted on the web, it's content may change as I begin to explore other areas of my life. After all....the journey IS the destination...right?

Hair Raising!

Considering that "Beauty & The Beast" is an enourmous show with a big cast, tons of props and costumes and numerous complex scene changes involving two different pieces of a moving stage, very little has actually gone wrong. Last night, however, was doozy.

At the top of Act II, Belle is running through the forest when the wolves set upon her and the Beast arrives to save her. During the wolf fight, one of the wolves accidentally pulled off the Beast's wig, leaving him with just the beast mask and the actor's very, very, short hair. There was nothing they could do but go on with the scene.

So, when Mrs. Potts, Lumiere and I enter, we were a bit stunned since we couldn't see what had occured. My first thought was, "Who's that guy with Belle?".

The Beast was a rock and was determined to continue to play the scene as though nothing was wrong until he had a moment to get offstage to have his hair replaced. Lumiere, on the other hand, could barely keep it together. Everytime I looked into his eyes, I could see that the slightest little thing might just send him into a giggle fit.

This torture dragged on for a good 10 minutes until the Beast, finally, managed to quickly run off stage during a scene and get re-haired. Then, however, I had the unenviable task of singing the lyrics, "Perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before", at which point I though Lumiere was going to explode. And Mrs. Potts had to repeat those lyrics ..... TWICE!!!

We couldn't wait to get off stage and break loose.

The magic of live theatre.

Attack of the snow

OH MY GAWD! The city of London Ontario is under seige....by the elements. When I left for the theatre tonight, around 6 p.m., there was already some serious snowfall underway...traffic down to a crawl, very low visability, that sort of thing. But when I left the theatre a mere 4 hours later I had to clean one foot of snow off my car! A foot of snow in 4 hours.

There were these two ladies parked behind me, who were at the show I'm sure, who begged me for help. They were convinced that they would'nt get their car out onto what is current passing for road because the snow was up past the tires. So, I drove their car out for them and they said (in the best Slavic accent you can muster) "Oh, thanks you. What we would have done without you. God Bless You."

Now, a BIIIG glass of wine

More notes to MP's

And my friend Jason sends a note to his MP on the same-sex marriage issue:

Dear Mr. Keddy:

As a new constituent in your riding, I wanted to write and express my support for you in voting against re-opening the debate on equal marriage legislation. I understand that Prime Minister Harper intends to introduce a motion this December that could revisit an issue that has already been decided in Parliament (Bill C-38, which I applaud you for voting for).

While I understand that MP’s have an obligation to represent their constituents in Parliament, I believe that reopening this issue would be remembered in years to come as a failure to protect the rights of *every* Canadian regardless of colour or creed. I wholly support your strength on this matter, and look forward to writing you again in December to congratulate you on sticking to your guns.

Perhaps you could remind those who oppose “same sex” marriage, that marriage, in and of itself, is the perfect way to *stop* sex. When you think about it, it’s actually a fantastic way to support the views of those who oppose the idea.

Regards,

SPEAK NOW

With the Canadian government forced into a voting on the issue of same-sex marriage by Steven Harper and his immoral majority, I've been doing my best to spread the word to everyone I know that this time to speak is now. Here (reprinted with her permission) is what a friend of mine sent to her MP.

"Please reconsider your stance on this matter. I am a woman who has enjoyed a 37 year traditional marriage but also a woman who has spent 46 years in the theatrical industry. Consequently, I have a good understanding of the gay community and all they ask is to be treated as first class citizens of our country as set out by our constitution. The matrimonial home will not be destroyed by this. In fact it will show we truly are a country of tolerance and diversity. We tout this so proudly when it's convenient. But how can I honestly speak of our county with pride knowing so many of our fine and productive citizens are considered lesser human beings simply because they were born with untraditional emotions. I might have been born with a different colour skin. Would I have been denied this. Never and nor should I have been. Please don't rob us of our tolerance or our pride!"

Because the churches have been organizing letter-writing and phone campaigns (the new century version of saber rattling) we need to send a clear message to the government that this issue has already been decided and that we are well aware of the fact that it is a convenient tool for them to use while distracting us from larger issues that should be dealt with.

Please have your say....and soon.

Don't know who your MP is? Click HERE to find out.

The evil people are showing their true colors, are you showing yours?

DAY OFF

What a hellishly long and tiring week. There were 25 (or so) really tired, brainless people pulling a matinee out of their asses today. Lumiere blanked completely in "Be Our Guest", I could barely focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and most of the company was hanging on by a thread. Earlier this week in the green room, we were talking about toothbrushing (isn't backstage conversation stimulating) and the director admitted that she was so tired that she sat down while brushing her teeth and almost fell asleep with the toothbrush still in her mouth.
For now, I have a blissfull 48 hours (well, almost) where I do not have to channel my inner clock. I will rest and do my best to begin the therapy for my tortured neck muscles. I should buy stock in Deep Cold and Motrin.

THE DUCK

OH MY GOD. I am so out of practice with telling theatre stories that I totally forgot to make an entry about THE DUCK.
In the opening number, "Belle", Gaston shoots a duck out of the sky and Le Fou comes racing into the market place yelling, "I got it. I got it." He then does a skid/dive across the stage and the duck falls from the sky, landing several feet away from him. The rest of the company responds with an loud, long, "Eeew", and leaves the stage.
The duck that they've created for our production probably only weighs a few pounds, but at the height its falling from it sounds like 70 pounds when it hits the stage.
During a tech run, something in the timing didn't quite work and the duck fell directly onto Le Fou's back. We couldn't have done it more perfectly if we'd tried. The company, horrified, made an audible gasp, then, seeing that the actor playing Le Fou wasn't dead, recovered enough to leave the stage making something like the "Eeew" sound like they normally do.

Beauty & The Beast Tech Week

There were times during our technical rehearsals this week when all of us felt that we might never get to the end of the show. But, we made it, and even managed to make it through an invited dress rehearsal without having to stop.

This is not to say that it's perfect by any means. Most of the work to still be done involves costumes. Many pieces aren't finished yet or need to be revamped to make them more usable.

I'm sorry to say that my headpiece is causing me some severe neck pain and I think I'm going to have to ask that some changes be made. They've worked very hard and created something really great, but I can't live like this for 6 weeks.

Pictures soon.

Closing in on opening

End of the second week of rehearsal and, boy oh boy, are we ready to get on the stage. The show really has a heart and soul of it's own at this point. And, my usual rehearsal-exhaustion is kicking in , right on time. Could barely focus for more than 5 mintues at a time today....and I wasn't the only one.

Stopped in to the theatre on my way out of the building to see how the set was looking. Even in it's half-completed state IT'S HUGE !!!!! My God !!! Can't wait to start playing on it.

Noticed today that the kid that's playing our teacup spends an awful lot of time cuddling with all the boys in the cast (he's 12) and virtually no time with the girls. Hmmmmm....wondering if the writing is on the wall. He spent the better part of this afternoon's rehearsal either using Jason's back for a pillow or sitting on my lap. And yet...while I watch his actions with a knowing curiosity, I love the fact that he's still young enough to seek and demand affection from whomever he likes. What a delightful age, to not be too 'grown up' to hold hands, to approach basic, comforting human contact with pure innocence.

Visitors for A Run THru

Did another run-thru of the show today after working lots of little details all week. The cast of the current show that's playing, "Mums the Word", came to watch. They laughed and cried in all the appropriate places and said that, even though they'd all seen the show before, they didn't realize how much of a love story it was. They also said that our production was already 10 times better (in the rehearsal hall) than the production they'd seen in Vancouver....at the end of it's run !!!

Seems we're heading in the right direction, no?

BOOTY & THE BEEF

We've spent the last two days doing lots of detail work, tearing the scenes apart to see what we can discover about them. Exhausting, but sooo informative. And, we've spent much of the time laughing. Everyone in this company is a master of the one-liner or the off-handed remark.

Babette (the feather duster) embarrassed the hell out of Lumiere today. She came running in to the scene, calling his name like she is supposed to, but she added a little butt-wiggle. Lumiere was so focused on her perfect, tiny, little dancer's ass bouncing up and down that he forgot his next line.

I had a fitting this morning since wardrobe had reached stage where most of my costume and clockworks are tacked together. The head gear is going to take some getting used to since I can't move my head, and because I have clock-arm pointers on my hands, I don't really have any dexterity either. The whole thing looks great though, and the wizards in the wardrobe department are making much of it up as they go along. I'll try to post some photos.

BOOTY & THE BEEF

End of the 2nd week of rehearsals for "Booty & The Beef" and things are moving along as they should. I begin to fret when we launch into long discussions that we don't need to have simply because when we're actually on the set, everything will make sense. i.e...."Yes, I know I'm walking through a wall. When it IS a wall, instead of a tape line on the floor, I won't walk through it." (Thank you Liz Gilroy). Still, the show already has a sense of purpose behind it even if the details are still quite ragged. It's an odd process since 1/3rd of us have done the show together before, and only last year. So the "new" people seem left to the task of 'catching up', when really they all deserve a medal for absorbing as much as they have in 2 weeks. (It's a HUGE show, and everyone seems to continually forget that.)

Since I didn't get home last weekend because I was moving, I'm enjoying some couch time along with Michael (it's our 6 year anniversary), our adorable little cat, tuxedo, and our foster cat, Big-Fat-Alice. A mere 40 or so hours at home. Funny how it becomes a luxury so quickly, isn't it?

End of the first week of rehearsals in London and I spent the day off moving. There was a shortage of housing and I had to wait for "The Graduate" to close so that I could move into the place where I will now live until Dec. 30. My new home is a marked improvement from my last one where there was no stove/oven, no bed (only a futon which doubled as the couch) and there wasn't really a bathroom to speak of, only a sink, toilet and shower installed in the laundry room. So, when you sit on the toilet, you not only have you knees under the sink, you are also sitting next to the furnace. This is what $100.00 a week gets you. My new place has an actual bed in it's own room, an actual bathroom with a spacious shower and a lovely kitchen that I share with the homeowner. And....there is a GoodLife gym 3 blocks away and an Irish pub with free wireless internet about 5 blocks away (this is a minor miracle since London seems completely uninterested in wireless internet connections in it's public spaces).

B & B RIDES AGAIN

Rehearsals have started for The Grand's production of "Beauty & The Beast" in London. The show is going to look amazing. The set and costume designers (Judith Bowden and John Dinning) have allowed themselves to be inspired by the great illustrators Maxfield Parrish and Edmond Dulac. Everything is very, very rich, colorful, detailed, lush , textured and full of fairy-tale touches.

DISNEY STRIKES AGAIN

I leave for London tomorrow to start rehearsals for "Beauty & The Beast" at The Grand on Tuesday. Once again into the fray of Disney-fied happiness. Though I am hoping that because this theatre company understands the value of rehearsal time and takes it's art and it's performers seriously, there may actually be a more meaningful show the ends up being unearthed this time. Oh, and did I mention a director that knows how to direct?

Bodyworlds

Went to see the BODYWORLDS exhibit at the Vancouver Science Centre today. I admit that I did have some brief, minor moments of squeemishness when I remembered that these were actual bodies that I was looking at. Overall, however, what I took away from the exhibit was two things: One, that we are really very small creatures when you look at us in a purely physical sense, and fairly fragile too. And two, without an energizing force in the body, animating it, giving it reason and context in it's environment, it is only a body, a lump of protein and water that might just as easily be a bowl of pudding. So......what IS that energizing force? When will they be able to plastinate a soul?

Full Circle

I'm feeling a sort of 'full-circle-ness' from being in Vancouver. Not two blocks from where I'm staying is the old Tivoli theatre (it's coffee place now, like every piece of prime real estate in Vancouver) but it's also the place where I saw "The Rocky Horror Show" when it first came out in the late 70's when I was living here. ....and now I've played the lead on stage. Also, I had lunch today with an old friend with whom I did a production of "Bent" years ago in Calgary. (I mean...many years ago...probably 1986 or 87). So here's the question I ponder.....if you are re-visiting things from so long ago, does this mean you have come full circle and its time to move on, or is it time to learn the things you didn't learn the first time around?

SHORTBUS

I just saw John Cameron Mitchell's new film, "SHORTBUS" and I'm totally impressed. I think he's really broken new ground and created something quite extraordinary. Though the film has been sensationalized for it's graphic sex that IS NOT simulated, what the characters end up revealing is far more interesting. And what the actors end up revealing is much much more than their physical parts. For me, the intense honesty of some of the scenes, the total openess of the performers was far more humbling and even more uncomfortable than the release of some fluids on screen.

This film is a brilliant study of our search for intimacy & acceptance and our own realization that it never comes from anyone but ourselves.

ROLLERBLADING BY THE SEA

I made a realization today as I was rollerblading the sea-wall around Stanley Park. Even though I grew up land-locked, I have always loved being near or, better yet, in the ocean. Today, however, I realized that its more than just wanting to be near it, I only feel complete when I'm near it. Its as though I have an extra limb that can only survive in the salt water and it waits for me to return to it again and again so that the final piece of me can be re-attatched once more.

I'M WITH STUPID

Ok. So, I have a new favourite stupid question:
"Do you have anything else...like....other than what's on the menu?"
This question was asked AFTER I had told them about the daily specials.

Here are my two possible answers:
1) "If we had anything else, don't ya think we'd have put it ON the menu?"
2) "Yes. Yes we do have other things. But not for you."

As the signature on my email reads now:
"It's not that I think stupidity should be punishable by death, I just think we should take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem work itself out."

IDIOTS WITH PASSPORTS

I have a week and a half left at the restaurant, the weather is cooler, the week-day tourists seem to be fewer, but the general level of stupidity remains at a constant high. I could barely restrain myself the other day when someone said to me, "Sir, are these menu prices in American or Canadian?" Through gritted teeth, I replied, "Funnily enough, when you crossed the border, EVERYTHING became Canadian!!" Also still getting our fair share of French, German and Dutch tourists who seem to be able to read enough english to navigate the menu but can't quite figure out what GRATUITY NOT INCLUDED means.

GIFT CARDS

I just saw an article about the government of ontario planning to legislate the expiration of gift cards. See, most of them expire about 18 months after their purchase date and it would seem that there are soooooo many lazy, empty, stupid, shiftless idiots out there that just can't seem to find the time to spend that money in a mere YEAR AND A HALF !!!!!!!!! JeZuz Bouncy-Balls-Christe people!!! Can't we do ANYTHING without having to have it LEGISTLATED? Get a grip! Someone gives you a gift card, you go redeem the fucker. Live a little. This has nothing to do with consumer protection or anyone's RIGHTS. It has everything to do with turning off the fucking television and going out into the world to actually buy the thing instead of just staying at home and watching pictures of it.

MAKIN' THE DOUGH

I have three weeks left at the restaurant and, due to the fact that tourism has been in the crapper all year, I have to make a WHACK of money in the time I have left. I have set a goal of making $1,000.00 this week...

Also, I've been thinking a lot about our wedding since, for some reason, as the anniversary date approached, the universe conspired to send many bell-laden, horse-drawn wedding carriages down the street in front of the restaurant. Mostly, when I think of that day one year ago, I remember all of the people who came to celebrate with us. It's a memory I'll use, like a warm blanket, for many years.

HALLOWEEN CRAP

I was in the Dollarama today, buying cheap dish cloths, and was sickened by all the cheap Halloween crap. Whole walls and entire aisles have been devoted to plastic buckets, wall hangings, streamers, 'centre pieces', candles, candle holders, bags, and on and on and on.....AND ALL OF IT WILL GET USED ONCE AND THEN GET THROWN AWAY.

Where is the value in any of it? Where is the meaning? What is the reason to have any of it?

We have all been programed by the holiday marketing companies.
"That's it, goood little consumers. Keep buying, now throw it out, now buy some more, now throw it out.....good consumers."

GOD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT

I'm doing a coaching promotion at the local CURVES fitness centre for women. One of the staff members told me that a woman mentioned that she was interested in coaching but didn't feel right about pursuing it because she felt that it was un-christian. UNCHRISTIAN!!!! Her reasoning? Because god has a plan for us and we should let his plan unfold for us rather than trying to live the life we want. How fucking sad is that??? Somebody sold this woman a whole wagon load of snake oil and she bought it all. What I'd really like to explain to her is that radical Muslims who think it's OK to kill her because she's an infidel think that THEIR god has a plan for them too.

WOW. NICE PEOPLE. WHO KNEW?

I haven't made an entry for quite some time, and so this seems, somehow, like a fitting entry to make. Especially since I've been so busy at the restaurant.

I know I complain a lot about the ignorance, rudeness and shear stupidity of people, and for the most part, it's like that every day. But I worked a private function tonight, a wedding rehearsal dinner, and I have to say they were delightful. They were plain folk, mind. Lamb curry scared them and most of them had never seen a chicken crepe, but they were the happiest, most thankful, most polite bunch of people. They made the evening pretty stress-free for my colleague and I. And, the mother of the groom left a super-sized tip!!!!!

I hope they have a fantastic wedding day tomorrow....

and I hope that the rest of the usual suspects that I deal with on a day to day basis continue to be plagued with car trouble and mysterious skin ailments.

NO, PLEASE EAT SOME MORE

I know that I may have mentioned the incredible book "Hungry Planet" that I've been reading. I'm still really enjoying it (and, oddly enough, tend to read it most when I'm eating). However, I just read an essay in it that started my one good foot to steppin' up on my soapbox. The woman who wrote it a professor at USC and heads the Center for Diabetes and Endocrinology at Children's Hospital Los Angeles. She states that "...60 per cent of adults - and 30 per cent of children - are overweight or obese." in the United States. No arguement from me, because I've been throwing swill down in front of them all summer.

However, she then goes on to say, "They are the victimes of a society that does not seem to care, of an economic structure that makes it cheaper to eat fries than fruit, of the food industry and the mass media luring them to consume what they shouldn't." Well.....here's where I have a BIG!!!!!!! problem. Oh dear, poor fat things don't know that one litre of soda a day (average for many people) is making them fat. BULL SHIT!! Which is better for you, an apple or a Big Mac? I refuse to believe that people don't honestly know the answer to that question. THey are not victims of some faceless, nameless society, they are victims of their own laziness and lack of responsibility. They are the same people that sued MacDonalds because the coffee was too hot. You wanted maybe a cold coffee ya dumb, greedy, lazy, fuck? Oh poor you, your diabetes is out of control. Perhaps it's because you haven't eaten anything that was alive since 1964.

I suppose it's good in a way. We don't have to worry about anybody trying to start a war on American soil. We just have to stand quietly by while they eat themselves to death.

Bored of mis-spent money

Took advantage of the $35.00 Equity special and went to see "Lord of The Rings" ("Bored of The Rings?") in Toronto yesterday. Wow. And I say that with all the irony I can load it with. Let me be plain...it's incredibly creative and eye-popping from a technological and design stand-point. Truely stunning and innovative. But less than 30minutes into the show, I already knew that I didn't care about a single, solitary character on the stage. Michael put it most succinctly, "What I'll take away is the amazing technology. I won't remember anything about the show."

And just for contrast, later in the evening, we went to see "An Intimate Evening With Cancer", a one-man show by our friends Bruce & Rebecca. So in a matter of hours we went from a 30 million dollar show to a 300 hundred dollar show, and which one do you think had the most emotional impact for us? The cheaper one, of course.

Fascinating, isn't it?

Sue Me

So I didn't complete my census form in a 'timely' fashion and now I get a letter from the census people THREATENING ME WITH FINES AND IMPRISONMENT. What fucking country is this that we're living in again. Someone please remind me.

Somewhere, waaaaaaayyyyy down on my list of things to do on any given day is an item called 'things to do for the government'. My life and all the things in it have always been and will always be more important than your numbers, programs, policies and demands.

I'LL TAKE

I made an interesting observation today. When ordering food, Americans are mostly prone to saying, "I'll take...." as in, "I'll take a salad" or "I'll take the burger." Interesting that it's not a request, as in, "May I have the burger, please" or even, "I'd like a coffee." They're not so much asking you if you would bring them something, they're telling you what it is that will be theirs.

grammar is fascinating, isn't it?

I'LL TAKE

I made an interesting observation today. When ordering food, Americans are mostly prone to saying, "I'll take...." as in, "I'll take a salad" or "I'll take the burger." Interesting that it's not a request, as in, "May I have the burger, please" or even, "I'd like a coffee." They're not so much asking you if you would bring them something, they're telling you what it is that will be theirs.

grammar is fascinating, isn't it?

ALL NUMBERS ARE AMERICAN

Ok, it's gotten to the point where I can't even be mad at the poor, simple, self-absorbed, ego-centric idiots any more. Now, I just feel sorry for them, for how small their worlds are. Time and time again, when I present the bill to a table, I am asked, "Is this in American?"

"Yes. Yes it is. I immediately sensed, when you walked in, the you were from the greatest and most prominent of all nations. Perhaps it was your carriage, maybe your style, or the quiet grace with which you conduct yourself and possibly the dignity and respect you channel when dealing with others. I sensed all of this and knew that, from that point on, all my dealings with you would simply HAVE to be in a foreign currency. Because, you see, even though you have left your country and entered another, we know where you're from and want you to feel as though nothing has changed. When I presented the bill to the French people who were at this table moments ago, I presented it in French Francs. When I presented the bill to the Japanese family, I presented it already calculated into Yen. Of course, they were surprised and grateful for this automatic conversion because they are not used to ALL numbers being converted into AMERICAN like you are. How great it must be to be you."

Um...................

So......um........ya....................day off.......................................didn't do much...............bought some fabric to make a bathrobe..................picked up my laptop ........................ya.......................drank.............................alcohol I mean.....................watched a movie with Michael.............sigh..............work tomorrow

LISTEN UP, POLLUTERS

Ok people, sit up and pay attention. It's a simple idea. You are in charge of keeping your room tidy. You are in charge of keeping your yard safe and tidy. You are in charge of keeping the planet safe and tidy. Easy, no?

So start thinking about what you buy. No, I mean. THINK!!! Is it over packaged? Then don't buy it! Do you use it once and throw it away? Then don't buy it!. Where do you think all of that stuff goes? INTO SOMEONE ELSES BACK YARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop pretending it doesn't matter. IT DOES MATTER. Stop using your busy life as an excuse. It doesn't matter how busy your life is, you still have a responsibility to clean up after yourself. If you don't think that's true then try this simple exercise:
Every morning, go and take a giant shit in the middle of your living room and then don't clean it up. It's amazing how you'll suddenly start to see waste, pollution and personal responsibility in a whole new light. You could also try this variation: take a giant shit in the bedroom of your children, because that's really what you're doing when you make choices without considering the long term effects they have on the planet.

Got it?

PRIDE.....or not

I spent yesterday afternoon on the rooftop of a Toronto apartment building with friends (and strangers) enjoying the celebration that is The Pride Parade. Turns out I actually know people who have an apartment on Yonge Street. Who knew? Michael and I have never been to Pride together since one of us is usually working somewhere, so this was a great opportunity to hang with fun people and get a great view from a 3rd story roof.

In spite of the fact that the parade itself is just a big party, many of us on the rooftop felt that it started off with a powerful and profound message. One of the very first groups to appear carried a banner which read, “We march for those who can’t.” All the marchers in this group had black gags around their mouths and some carried signs detailing the number of known brutalities committed (often by the government) against people who’s lifestyle was deemed unacceptable in many countries of the world. These brutalities ranged anywhere from loss of civil freedoms to public floggings or executions.

As we stood on that sunny rooftop, sharing jokes, dancing, drinking, eating and shouting our joy, someone, somewhere in the world was suffering simply because of who they are.
Isn’t it staggering that we’re still not done with that idea? The idea that if you’re not like me there’s something wrong with you.

And it's not just "those" people in "those" countries that are responsible for that kind of one-dimensional, small-minded thinking. I'll just be that there's someone very close to you right now who is thinking in exactly the same way.

What are YOU gonna do about it?

WHAT AM I UP TO?

I got an email this morning asking what I was up to, AND I was looking for a way to post some photos of our yard since my mother and I have been emailing about gardening. So....here are some happy summer pictures of just what I've been up to.

Here's Michael on the front porch at sunset in the new chairs he got for his birthday.



Back deck at sunset. Michael's basil & tomatoes on the right, wild flowers and greenery on the left.


Back deck in the morning. My favorite place to do coaching calls.


Fleurs.

I live in an area that is desperate to have visitors.....well, ok, tourists. All the marketing is about getting the tourists. Now, I don't always have particularly nice things to say about tourists when they come here, mostly because they tend to say and do really stupid things. On this occasion, however, they don't even need to come here for me to say mean things about them.

One of the things that gets marketed about this place is The War of 1812. I'd like to address all the would-be travelers who are staying home because the media warned them about possible terrorism and terrorist attacks. I think the next marketing campaign for my area should read...."Dear America....Nothing has blown up here since 1812...and at that point in history, it was YOUR bombs !!!"

Yes, I'd like to offer my personal guarantee that your chances of being injured in a terrorist attack in North America are still only slightly higher than your chances of being elected leader of your country.

In the words of Baz Luhrman..."A life lived in fear is a life half lived."

FATHER'S DAY

What does Dad want for Father’s Day? The traditional cheesy tie? Perhaps a fine bottle of scotch? Golf gear? The newspapers are full of suggestions for all kinds of things that you can buy for Dad. Now, my Dad, like many is difficult to buy for. What he wants, he buys for himself, what he doesn’t want or need, he doesn’t have. (A simple idea, really, that I wish more people would take to heart.)

So, instead of a ‘thing’, I’d just like to tell a story. I’d like to tell a story to let the whole world know what kind of a Dad I have.

I got married last September and, since we wrote our own vows, we decided that it was important to thank our parents for helping us to become the people that we’ve become. After the ‘thank-you’ portion of the vows, we presented each of our parents with a single rose as a symbol of out gratitude. There were a few tears as hugs were exchanged and as I embraced my father, he said to me, “You’re my hero.”

Depending on the dad, you might expect a few different things like a bit of wisdom or advice, maybe a gruff, monosyllabic utterance, or perhaps nothing at all. Out of all the things you might expect, “You’re my hero” is not one of them. Amazing words to hear. Words that make a pretty big impact. Words that demand, however, that I ask a couple of questions.

How can I be your hero when you taught me to build a fire, to drink a scotch, to complete a task? How can I be your hero when you laugh at all my jokes, when I get your unquestioning, unwavering support without ever asking for it? How can I be your hero when you’re my biggest fan?

Maybe we’ll just have to settle for being members of our own mutual admiration society.

I love you, Dad.

HAIR

So, we went to see "HAIR" at CanStage last night and were pretty disappointed. Well, actually Michael was really angry. First big problem, sound. It was terrible. Couldn't understand most of the lyrics half of the time and since the majority of the show is sung that means most of what you need to hear is missing. Second, the direction was so over-done that the pure simple message of the show had a hard time finding it's way through all the gak that got piled on top of it. Basically, over produced, over-directed and, because of the direction, over-acted. Lots of really talented people working waaaaay harder than they have to.

In spite of all this, the show, for me at least, still had some truly compelling moment which I think is a testament to the strength of the piece itself. Some of what it's original intent still survives IN SPITE of the director.

Can we just TELL THE STORY please??!?!?!? Shit! When will directors back off?

THERE'S NO CULTURE IN POP-CULTURE

I'm sure Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are very happy. HOWEVER, I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that the 'media' (and I use the term loosely and sarcastically) stop plastering every magazine cover on the planet with their pictures. And the magazines that do not feature either Brad or Angie, or both, are the ones that feature Jennifer Anniston because everyone wants to know how SHE feels about things !!!

Jezuz people, get a life of your own.

There must be something, some little thing in your life that is more interesting than rich people talking about themselves. Do you even know how many behind the scenes agents, publicists and press agents are working day and night to position people on those magazine covers? Do you think the magazines just phone up and say, "Hey, we'd like you on the cover." HELL NO. They have to be badgered into it by an army of staff paid for by the feature-ees themselves.

What is this modern disease of having to talk an event to death? We talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about a thing, and then we talk about the opinions that came out of the talking and start all over again. And NOTHING EVER COMES OF IT.....it's just talk.

This is what they call Pop-culture. Which is exactly the same thing as calling that orange paste in a jar "cheese".